Never Forget
by chocolatequeen
Summary: Harm/Mac, Harm/other Anything more would give it away!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: If I owned them, Harm would currently be getting involved with a girl from Vancouver, WA... so I think you're probably all glad I don't!  
  
Author's note: This story really is about Harm and Mac. I know it doesn't seem like that at first glance, and it won't until about halfway through, but trust me on this one. They end up together.  
  
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bPart 1  
  
Sometime next fall.../b  
  
iWhat a week!/i Mac thought as she stepped into the familiarity of McMurphy's. iNot to mention the last three weeks, going back and forth to Norfolk to talk to my guilty as hell client!/i she reminded herself ruefully. iIt's time to kick back and relax.../i  
  
Grabbing a seat at the bar, she ordered her usual tonic with a squeeze of lime. While waiting, she looked in the mirror idly and grimaced at her weary face. As the barkeep set her drink in front of her, something else caught her eye however... iThat gesture is so familiar, it reminds me of Harm,/i she thought wistfully. iBut this guy has a girl with him, Harm's not seeing anyone.../i  
  
Unable to resist her curiousity however, she leaned over the bar to check, catching the eye of one Harmon Rabb, Jr. Whipping her head around so he couldn't see her tears, Mac quickly finished her drink and walked out.  
  
Harm watched the retreating form of his best friend with a sense of trepidation. iWell now you've done it, Rabb,/i he cursed himself. iYou got caught with your new girlfriend before you had a chance to tell her. How are you going to get yourself out of this one?/i He was so wrapped up in his thoughts he didn't notice his date's attempts to get his attention until the third time she called his name. "Hm? Oh, I'm sorry Jess. My mind must have wandered. What were you saying?" he asked politely.  
  
"Nothing important... Harm, is something wrong? You seem really preoccupied," the brunette questioned with concern.  
  
"No, of course not," Harm quickly denied. At her look of disbelief he backtracked and said, "I guess I am a little tired... look, do you mind if we call it a night?"  
  
"No problem," she replied easily. "I'll see you tomorrow night for supper?"  
  
"Of course," he said as he bent to kiss her cheek. "Drive safely, ok?"  
  
Two minutes later, Harm was in his Vette, speeding toward Georgetown. iI've got to explain, she's got to understand,/i he told himself desperately. iShe can't stay mad at me!/i When he arrived at his destination, he ran up the stairs, not bothering with the elevator, and pounded on her door. No answer. Trying again, he again got no answer. "Mac, c'mon open up! I know you're in there... we need to talk Sarah."  
  
It was his use of her first name that convinced the angry marine on the other side to give him admittance to her apartment. She opened the door and glared at him. "I don't know what you think we need to talk about," she said coldly.  
  
Harm's heart sank at those words, but he tried not to let it show on his face. "I want to explain. I know you're mad at me, but..."  
  
"I'm not mad Harm," she cut him off. "I thought we were getting back to the way we used to be... it just hurt to find I was wrong."  
  
"What... what do you mean?" he asked slowly, the feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach growing larger.  
  
"I mean that the old Harm wouldn't have left me to find out about his new relationship through office gossip. I guess I should be grateful I saw you before someone told me, that would have been humiliating. So tell me Harm, when were you planning to tell me?" she asked.  
  
"Mac, it's not like that! I was going to tell you, I just didn't want to give you anything more to think about when you were defending that SOB. I knew that if I told you before you got a chance to meet Jess that your reaction would be negative and..."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean Harm?"  
  
iCrap! Betrayed by my runaway tongue again.../i Taking a deep breath, Harm chose to answer honestly. "It means that you've never given any of my girlfriends a chance. Annie, Jordan, Renee... you disliked them all before you even got to know them."  
  
"Oh, you mean the way you `got to know' Mic before you decided you hated his guts?" Mac hated herself for bringing this up, especially when her reaction had initially been the same, but she had to defend herself. He was getting too close to the truth.  
  
"Ok, I deserved that. For the record, I'm sorry for my behavior when it came to Mic. I know that contributed to a lot of the distance that grew between us. Now before you say anything else or I say anything that can hurt you, may I please explain it all in one speech, no interruptions?" She just looked at him warily. "Please Sarah, this is important to me," he pleaded quietly.  
  
Taking her slight nod as a gesture of acquiescence, he plunged in. "Jess and I met about a month ago. She was civilian counsel in a case I was prosecuting. When the verdict came back guilty a week later, she was suddenly without dinner plans--seems the guy had been so sure he'd win that he'd promised to take her out as a thank you. So I suggested we go grab a bite to eat. I was not thinking of romance at all at this point, just looking to not be alone for another meal. You were in Norfolk or I would have invited you to come too...  
  
"Anyway, dinner was great. Jess is an amazing woman, strong and independent. Do you know she payed her way through law school by licking envelopes? She had a regular job for her living expenses, and then she got one of those "work from the comfort of your own home" things to pay for school. To make a long story short, we hit it off. The next day, I called her and we set a date for that weekend... we've been seeing each other ever since," he finished softly.  
  
"So you've been together for about three weeks now? Why didn't you tell me before Harm? Were you really that afraid of my reaction?"  
  
"Yeah, I was Mac. You're my best friend and your opinion is important to me. I want you to like Jess, I think you will if you give her a chance. In fact, why don't you come over to my place Sunday for supper and I'll introduce you?"  
  
"I don't know Harm..."  
  
"Please Mac, just give her a chance..."  
  
"Why is this so important to you?" she asked before she could stop herself.  
  
"Because I think she might be the one, and I want my best friend to like her." Too stunned to speak, Mac simply nodded her agreement. "Good. We'll see you at 19:00 Sunday then," he said and quickly left.  
  
bPart 2/b  
  
Mac closed the door behind him and leaned heavily against it, mind whirling. iThe One!? Did he actually just say that? Harmon Rabb, Jr, the anti-commitment guru claims to have found the one?/i Slowly she turned away from the door, going to sit on the couch. iI should be happy for him right? My best friend just told me he's finally ready to settle down, and he seemed happy... why can't I be happy for him?/i she wondered as she began to cry.  
  
iBecause I'm in love with him... because I wanted to be the one!/i her breaking heart cried. iDamn you Harmon Rabb! For six years I wait for you to let go and then when you finally do, it's with a different woman. What is it she has that I don't? Why didn't you want me?/i After she had cried all the tears she had in her, she fell into an exhausted sleep.  
  
bSunday, 18:00/b  
  
As Mac prepared to go to Harm's, her mind continued the debate it had been carrying on for the last 40 hours. iDo I really want to do this? Can I do this? But it seemed so important to Harm... all the more reason to stay home! I don't know if I can handle seeing him with her yet.../i  
  
Finally she knew it was time to give herself a stern talking to. "Suck it up Marine! You can do this, you don't have any choice. Harm is not yours, you're going to have to learn to live with that. Right now, you just need to get through this night without breaking down. The rest can come later. Now you have exactly 29 minutes until you have to be at Harm's apartment, so prepare yourself!" With that, she grabbed her keys and jacket and walked out the door.  
  
Harm meanwhile was finishing up dinner preparations. "Bread in the oven, salad on the table, casserole sitting on the stove..." he muttered to himself. "Now why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?" he asked as he moved around the table. "Jess and Mac will be here in a few minutes, what is it? Jess and Mac..." He looked down at the table--it was set for two! Not taking the time to wonder what that meant, he simply pulled another place setting out the cupboard and placed it on the table.  
  
And just in time, because someone lightly knocked on his door just as he set the plate down. Glancing down at his watch, he smiled slightly and went to let his best friend in. "Right on time as usual Mac..." his voice trailed off when he saw Jess standing there instead.  
  
"Any particular reason you thought I was Mac Harm?" she teased.  
  
"Uh... she's got this timing thing, always on time without wearing a watch. In fact..." He turned as he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. "Here she is now." He and Jess stepped in the apartment, holding the door open to let Mac follow them in. "Mac, this is Jess MacGuire. Jess, Sarah Mackensie." he introduced briefly before beating a hasty retreat to the kitchen.  
  
iJust like a man,/i Mac thought mutinously. iGet you into a situation, and then leave to let you figure out how to get out of it./i Pulling herself together, she turned to Jess and smiled. "It's nice to meet you. Harm has told me... well not much really, but that's because I only heard about you on Friday."  
  
"He didn't tell you until..." Jess was speechless for a second, then she turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "HARM! You didn't tell your best friend about us for almost four weeks?!"  
  
In the kitchen, Harm winced under the attack. "Um, not exactly... I mean... well no I guess not... it just didn't come up!" he hedged.  
  
"Didn't come up..."  
  
"Don't worry about it Jess," Mac quickly cut in. "I got on him for it last night." She raised her voice slightly and said, "He won't make that mistake again!"  
  
"Yes Ma'am!" Harm replied quickly, glad he'd been let off the hook.  
  
bPart 3, picking up after Mac leaves  
  
Harm's POV/b  
  
"Harm, I need to ask you something."  
  
If her tone of voice hadn't told me this was serious, the look in her charcoal gray eyes would have. For that reason, I abandoned my joking response and simply said, "Ok?"  
  
"Why didn't you tell Mac about us?"  
  
This lady doesn't pull any punches! Time to be honest Rabb... "I was afraid of her reaction. In the six years we've been friends, I don't think either of us has dated someone the other approved of. I wanted this time to be different."  
  
By the considering look on her face, I can tell she's going to ignore my last comment and zero in on the one before it. I brace myself... sure enough, it's not long in coming. "Harm, are you and Mac more than friends?"  
  
I vowed at the beginning that the nebulous, tenuous, and confusing relationship between Mac and I would not sound the death knell for another relationship. Now it's time to keep my promise. Taking a deep breath, I plunge in. "Yes we are." Ignoring her hurt look, I continue. "We are best friends and partners. After six years of being there for each other, I suppose our relationship is almost familial." I pause for a moment as I remember another conversation...i "Mac, I don't think of you as my sister..."/i  
  
Pulling myself back to the conversation at hand, I keep explaining. "We've always been protective of each other. Mic and Dalton weren't good for Mac, and I suppose she'd say the same about Renee, Jordan, and Annie. But she liked you Jess, I could see it in the way she opened up to you."  
  
Jess laughed in disbelief. "You call that open?" she questioned.  
  
"For Sarah Mackenzie, that was practically open book. If she wants to, she can make a clam look chatty," I claim. I can tell my quick defense of Mac brought her doubts back in full force, so I jump into my confession with both feet.  
  
"To be completely honest Jess, yes there have been feelings between Mac and me. At different points over the last six years it's seemed like we might get together, but something always happened to prevent it." Her trial, my return to flying, Brumby and his blasted ring, Renee and then her dad, the Guadacanal... my mind wanders over the list quickly and then continues on. "After so many failed attempts, you begin to wonder if fate is telling you something. That being the case, we've both decided to move on."  
  
There! Confession complete, now I'm holding my breath waiting for her response. "Are you sure Harm? I'm not second best, you wouldn't rather be with her?"  
  
The hesitancy in her voice kills me, and I jump in to reassure her. "I want to be with you Jess... I choose to be with you."  
  
For the first time all evening, a real Jess MacGuire smile lights up the room. "Ok then! So what are we doing this week Harm?" she asks as though the subject of Sarah Mackenzie was never discussed. I heave a sight of relief and begin to plan the week. 


	2. The deepening relationship

Disclaimer in chapter 1  
  
bPart 4  
  
Just after staff call Monday morning/b  
  
"Hey Harm, could I get the Larsen file from you?" Sturgis asked as he followed Harm into his office.  
  
"Sure Sturgis, take it please!"  
  
"Hey, who's this?" he asked, gesturing toward a new picture on the desk.  
  
"Oh, that's Jess, my girlfriend," Harm said nonchalantly.  
  
His attitude didn't deter Sturgis though. "Your what? When were you going to mention this?"  
  
Harm shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I wanted to tell Mac first... she is my best friend Sturgis."  
  
"Ok, so after you told her, why didn't you tell the rest of us? Come to think of it, why haven't you introduced her to us?"  
  
"Uh, well I just told Mac on Friday."  
  
"Man, are you crazy? Do you want an angry Marine after you? Why in blue blazes wouldn't you tell your best friend before that?" Sturgis asked in disbelief.  
  
"How come everyone keep saying that?" Harm asked crossly. "I didn't, ok? Now if you have what you want, I need to get to work."  
  
Still shaking his head, Sturgis began to walk toward his own office when something occurred to him. Changing direction, he walked in the open door of Mac's office and shut it behind him. "Are you ok?" he asked gently.  
  
Surprised, Mac looked up. "I see by the look on your face that you've heard about Jess," she said wryly.  
  
"Yeah, he just told me. Are you ok?" he repeated.  
  
For several seconds she was silent, and then when she did speak it was as if she hadn't heard his question. "You know what he told me Sturgis? He said that he thought she might be the one. I had supper with them last night, I went prepared to hate her on sight, but she's a really nice person! I'd think she and Harm were perfect for each other, except..."  
  
"Except that you still love him," Sturgis finished. "If you ever need to talk, I'm here."  
  
"Thanks Sturgis, but I'm..."  
  
"A Marine, I know!" He opened the door to leave and then turned back. "Mac... it'll be ok."  
  
After Sturgis had left and closed the door, Mac allowed her Marine armor to crack a little. iWhy does this have to hurt so much?/i she asked herself. iHow come I can't just pick up and move on, like he obviously has?/i  
  
Over the next few months, the questions continued to haunt her. Harm became more and more involved with Jess, spending every evening with her and bringing her to the office Christmas party. It wasn't until February that things really began to heat up...  
  
bPart 5  
  
February 12, 2003/b  
  
Harm walked out of the jewelry store with a light step. Glancing down at the small bag he carried, he couldn't help but smile. iThis is going to be a great Valentine's Day,/i he told himself as he got into his car and drove away.  
  
b2 days later/b  
  
When they pulled up to the restaurant, Jess gasped. "Harm, this place costs a fortune! Are you sure you can afford this?"  
  
"Relax Jess, this is our first Valentine's Day and I want it to be special. Now let's go in, it's cold out here." Reaching for her hand, he tucked it under her arm and escorted her in.  
  
"Oh it's special all right! I just wonder how you plan to top this next year," she teased.  
  
A look of mock horror crossed Harm's face. "You expect me to do something like this every year? On second thought..." He started to turn around before she tightened her hold on his arm and dragged him through the front door.  
  
"Oh no you don't Hot shot! You promised me a night to remember, and I'm holding you to it."  
  
After being led to their table, Jess tried to pull Harm into conversation but his nerves were getting to him. iAm I really going to do this? I can't believe it... but this is the right time, I know it... I've got to get through this night!/i Thoughts like this were racing through his head all evening, and as a result, the conversation was reduced to "Uh-huh," "Really?" and "I didn't know that."  
  
Finally the meal was over. Jess sighed with relief, noticing painfully that Harm did the same. iWhy did he make such a big deal out of it if he didn't want to be with me?/i she asked herself. Out loud she simply said, "That was nice Harm, are you ready to go home?"  
  
All his warning signals came on when he heard her emotionless voice. Really looking at her for the first time since they sat down, he noticed the hurt in her eyes. iI've been ignoring her,/i he realized. "Jess... I know I wasn't talkative just now, but believe me I want to spend this evening with you. Please let me make it up to you?" he begged.  
  
Gauging him with her eyes, she shrugged and said, "Sure, but I have to tell you it'll take a lot."  
  
"Oh don't worry Jess, I have a few tricks up my sleeve," he said mysteriously as they exited the building.  
  
The drive back to his place was silent, but it was a comfortable silence. Pulling up in front of his building, Harm hurried around to her side of the car and let her out. As they stepped into his apartment, Jess gasped in awe. "Harm this is beautiful... how did you manage to find all these daisies in the middle of February?"  
  
Harm grinned. Early in their relationship, Jess had mentioned that she didn't like roses and would much rather receive daisies or wildflowers. It was a fact he'd stored away for future reference, and he was pleased she appreciated it. "Oh, I called around here and there," he said, finally answering her question.  
  
"You know Jess, we haven't exchanged gifts yet," he mentioned as they placed their coats on the coat rack.  
  
"Well if you'd been paying attention, you would have heard me say that over an hour ago," Jess replied tartly.  
  
"I'm sorry Jess, I really am... my mind was running so fast I couldn't hear anything," he apologized.  
  
"Apology accepted. Now I want you to open my gift first." Digging around in her coat pocket, she unearthed a small beautifully wrapped present. "Here," she said as she handed it to him. Harm unwrapped odd shaped, heavy gift and stared it awe. It was a snowglobe of Grandma Sarah's farm. Wordlessly he looked at her, and she nervously began to explain. "I know this guy who makes these to spec... I gave him that picture we took when we were at the farm for Christmas, and well..."  
  
"It's beautiful Jess, thank you," he said and kissed her softly.  
  
"Now before I give you my gift, why don't we sit on the couch and talk a little?" he suggested, leading her over and helping her sit down. Sitting down next to her, he began his prepared speech. "Jess, I love you. These last five months have been some of the happiest in my life, just getting to know you, finding out what makes you tick. They've also been some of the scariest, because try as I might, I couldn't keep you out. You managed to get in, to find out who I really am. I've tried so hard for so long to keep from being vulnerable, but with you I am. As we've grown closer, I've realized that my heart is safe in your keeping, and I let you in. And now as we celebrate our love, I want to give you a solid symbol of it."  
  
So saying, Harm slipped to the floor in front of her and pulled a small box out of his pocket. "Jessica MacGuire, will you marry me?" he asked simply.  
  
"Yes Harm," she said through the tears running down her face. Holding out her hand for the ring, she smiled at the unfamiliar weight and coolness of it as he slipped it on her finger. She leaned forward to kiss him and as she did, she whispered, "You were right... this more than makes up for earlier."  
  
AN: Ok, I know someone is going to want to kill me now, but trust me this will end well. And this is only 10 pages into my 60 page long story, so have patience. 


	3. Mac's reaction

bPart 6  
  
08:02, Saturday, February 15/b  
  
Mac groaned in her sleep as an annoying buzzing noise started to wake her up. "Go `way," she mumbled. "Don't want any..." But the ringing continued and finally she woke up enough to pick up the phone and mutter, "H'lo?"  
  
"Mac, you'll never guess what happened!" an excited voice exclaimed.  
  
"Harm? Why are you calling at 08:04 on a Saturday morning?" she asked, more awake now.  
  
"Oh, did I wake you up? I'm sorry Mac, I'm just so excited and I couldn't wait to tell you. It's so wonderful!"  
  
"Slow down Flyboy, what's so wonderful? Tell me your news."  
  
"She said yes Mac! I asked and she said yes!"  
  
"Was there ever any doubt?" Mac teased.  
  
"Well you never know for sure... and I did mess up the rest of the evening because I was so nervous. I'm getting married Mac," he said as though he was having difficulty believing it himself.  
  
"I'm happy for you Harm... Jess is good for you," Mac responded quietly.  
  
"Hey, I'll let you go back to sleep now. I just had to tell you."  
  
"Ok Harm... congratulations."  
  
"Thanks Mac," he said and hung up.  
  
As Mac placed the receiver back on the cradle, sleep was the farthest thing from her mind. iWell that's that... they're engaged. Of course they are Mac, you knew this was going to happen, he told you he'd bought the ring. But I just didn't believe it! Why does this always happen to me, I open up to someone but they don't want me. What's wrong with me that no one wants me?/i  
  
Slowly she got out of bed and went into the bathroom to take a shower. As the hot water beat down on her, her own tears join the flood as she let the pain of rejection wash over her heart. iNo more... I'll be happy with just my friends. I just can't take this again,/i she wept.  
  
Stepping out of the shower, she dried off and dressed in a pair of worn sweats. Then she went into the kitchen and cut a large piece of frozen chocolate pie for breakfast. iYep, from now on it's just me and my chocolate,/i she told herself as she curled up on the couch.  
  
Suddenly a new thought occurred to her. "How am I going to face him?" she wondered aloud. "Or her? Or both of them together... especially that! I can't ignore him, he's my best friend and she apparently is his other half. Thank God today is Saturday so I have the weekend to get used to this before work on Monday... Maybe I could ask the Admiral for an assignment that would send me away. No, I did that once and that's part of the reason I'm in this mess, even though it was for a good reason. Even things done for a good reason can backfire sometimes..." Her mind wandered back to those three months on the Guadacanal and the confrontation she'd had with Harm. iWe just couldn't get it together after I got back,/i she realized. iMaybe this is for the best then?/i  
  
bPart 7  
  
Monday morning, 07:55/b  
  
"Good morning Mac," Harm said with a smile as he stepped into the bullpen.  
  
"Morning Harm," she replied quietly and walked into her office, closing the door behind her.  
  
Harm stared at the door, confused. iWhat's bothering you about it Harm? It's not as if she's never closed her office door before?/i his logical mind argued. iYeah, but she basically just shut the door in my face,/i his intuition fought back. iSomething's wrong./i He hesitated for a moment, thinking about knocking. Then Bud walked by and reminded him it was time for staff call, and with one last glance at the closed door, he walked away.  
  
Meanwhile, Mac sat her office, tensed for the confrontation she was sure was coming. iHe knows I'd never shut my door on him unless I was upset... what will I tell him when he knocks? I ought to just tell him to go away and leave me alone, what does he need me for now that he has Jess?/i But the knock never came and Mac's internal clock suddenly reminded her that she was five minutes late for staff call.  
  
"I'm sorry Admiral, I lost track of time," she apologized as she breezed into the conference room.  
  
AJ looked at her over his glasses. "You lost track of time Colonel?" he questioned.  
  
"Yes sir, it happens to the best of us," she replied with a glint of humor.  
  
"Ok, let's get this show on the road," he said turning back to the business of running the morning meeting.  
  
Harm on the other hand was not buying it for a moment. iIf she lost track of time she must really be upset... What's happened since Saturday morning that could be so bad?/i he wondered. He tried to catch her eye, but she studiously avoided even looking at him.  
  
As they stood to leave, he made one last attempt. "Hey Mac, could I talk to you for a minute?" he asked.  
  
She looked at him blankly and said, "I don't know why Commander, we don't have any cases together," and walked out.  
  
Shocked, Harm followed her out of the room and went into his office. iI don't understand, she hasn't been that cold to me in over a year. Did I do something wrong?/i  
  
He spent most of the morning wracking his brain, trying to figure out how he'd hurt her so badly that she was shutting him out. As he was working his way through the third pile of paperwork, it hit him. iThat's it... she's shutting me out. It isn't that she's mad at me, there's something that she's dealing with that she doesn't want to talk about./i  
  
After realizing that he hadn't done anything wrong, he felt a modicum of relief, but it was quickly washed away by concern for Mac. iSo what's wrong? And why won't she talk to me about it? What can I do to help her, I don't want to just sit here and watch her hurt./i However, seven years of experience had taught him that pressuring Mac when she was withdrawing almost always meant something bad for him. Finally, he decided to send her an email just letting her know he was thinking about her.  
  
In her office, Mac heard the familiar chime that meant she had a new message in her inbox. When she opened her email and saw it was from Harm she almost deleted it without looking at it, but something changed her mind and she clicked it open.  
  
Mac--  
  
I know you're upset about something, and I understand that you don't want to talk about it. I've learned my lesson: I won't force you to talk. I just want you to know that I'm your friend and I support you in whatever you feel like you have to do. I wish I could do something to make you feel better, but since I can't I'll just let you know that I'm here for you.  
  
Harm  
  
After pausing to collect her thoughts for a moment, she quickly typed out a reply and clicked send. Harm was anxiously awaiting her reaction, and opened it as soon as he got it.  
  
Thanks Harm... It means a lot to me that you understand I need to do this alone. I don't want to shut you out completely though, want to have lunch?  
  
Mac  
  
He sighed with relief and then glanced down at his watch. Getting up, he walked over to stand in Mac's doorway. "Hey Marine, you ready to go?" he asked.  
  
"Sure Harm," she replied with a small smile. iYou can do this, he's your friend! You can't lose that,/i she told herself sternly. "So have you and Jess set a date yet?" she asked pleasantly.  
  
"Yeah, I think we're going with July 12 so mark it down ok?" he said with a smile.  
  
"Circled in red," she answered lightly.  
  
Gradually they fell into a pattern. She worked hard at not shutting him out and he let her set the comfort zone for their friendship. Much to his chagrin, she scaled it back a few notches from where it had been, but at least she wasn't shutting him out entirely. 


	4. Yes this is for real

Disclaimer in part 1... I still don't own them, and I'm still not dating Harm.  
  
bPart 8/b  
  
"Hey Mac," Harm said as he walked into the bullpen one day about two months before the wedding. iHow will she act today? She's been so moody the last few months.../i  
  
"Hey Harm, how's Jess?" she called out cheerily.  
  
Harm let out a sigh of relief. iApparently today is going to be a good day... maybe a good day to ask them?/i "She's knee deep in fabric swatches and invitation catalogs. Hey will you do me a favor?" he asked.  
  
"Anything Harm. Within reason!" she quickly added when she saw a sly look enter his eye.  
  
"Be my best man?" he asked hesitantly.  
  
Mac's eyes widened in surprise. "Harm are you sure you don't want to ask Keeter or Sturgis?"  
  
"No, I want my best friend to stand up with me," he replied adamantly. "If you want to that is," he quickly amended.  
  
"Well in that case your best friend would be honored," she replied simply. "I suppose this means I need to trade in the new dress I bought for the wedding for my dress uniform," she realized.  
  
"Actually no," Harm said. "Jess decided she didn't want a military wedding. You can wear whatever you want."  
  
"Oh! Ok." There was a lull in the conversation and then something occurred to Mac. "Hey, does this mean I get to plan the bachelor party?" she asked curiously.  
  
"I guess... why?" he questioned suspiciously.  
  
"Relax Harm," she laughed. "It won't be too painful, I promise. I won't make you dress in drag and take you bar hopping like some friends of mine did."  
  
"Uh... on second thought..." Harm stuttered.  
  
"Don't worry Harm! It's part of my duty as your best man, and you know how seriously I take my duties," she tossed over her shoulder as she went into her office.  
  
"That's what scares me!" he muttered as he walked away.  
  
b6 weeks later, 2 weeks until D-Day  
  
At the Admiral's house  
  
Harm and Jess' engagement party/b  
  
"Has anyone seen my best man?" Harm asked  
  
"How do you get away with calling her a man?" Sturgis asked.  
  
"I think that's outweighed by the pleasure she takes in hearing a squid admit that a jarhead is best," he joked. "Now seriously, where's Mac?"  
  
"I think I saw her go out the backdoor," Bud offered.  
  
Harm stepped outside and gave his eyes a moment to adjust to the twilight before walking forward. "Mac? Are you out here?"  
  
"I'm over here Harm," she called.  
  
Following her voice, he found her seated on a garden bench. "May I join you?" he asked quietly.  
  
"Of course Harm...if I didn't want you here I wouldn't have let you know where I was." As soon as the words left her mouth, Mac wished she could take them back. iI can't let him know, can't let him see.../i she thought desperately.  
  
"Is something wrong, Mac?" he finally asked. "You've been pretty quiet today."  
  
"Nothing's wrong Harm," she replied a bit too quickly.  
  
"Are you sure?" he prodded gently.  
  
"I'm sure, it's just..."  
  
"Just what Mac? You know you can tell me anything."  
  
iAnything but this... I've got to throw him off!/i "It just hit me today Harm. You're getting married... this is for real."  
  
He frowned slightly and asked, "And that bothers you?"  
  
"No... I guess I just never thought I'd be celebrating your engagement." iTo someone else,/i she added silently.  
  
He smiled briefly and said, "Life does have a way of surprising you."  
  
"Yeah I guess. Harm, if you could go back and do one thing differently, what would it be?" she asked suddenly.  
  
"The Admiral once gave me some good advice--"Don't look back." I did then and wished I hadn't. The fact is you can never change the past, you can only deal with how it effects the present."  
  
"You're dropping chaff again Hammer... answer the question."  
  
"I can't Sarah... please don't ask me to," he begged softly.  
  
Their eyes held for a long moment before Mac looked away. "You'd better go in, I'm sure your bride is wondering why you're spending all evening in the garden with the best man."  
  
"Are you coming Mac?" he asked as he stood to go in.  
  
"I'll be there in a minute... please go," she requested.  
  
After he left, Mac attempted to collect herself. iWell Mackenzie, you're three for three... you'd think you'd learn that he doesn't have feelings for you and stop begging him to hurt you... but no, you have to go put yourself on the line anytime it seems like he might be slipping away... come to think of it, why do I always choose times like this to talk to him? What did I expect him to do, tell me that he's madly in love with me and walk back into the house and say "I'm sorry, there won't be a wedding?"/i she asked derisively. iOk, so move on... you're a Marine, you can handle it./i Standing, she went in to join the party.  
  
bPart 9  
  
T-Minus 2 hours, 35 minutes/b  
  
Harm tugged nervously at the bow tie, trying unsuccessfully to get it right. Answering the knock at his door, he stared in awe at his best man, looking gorgeous in a simple cornflower blue dress that fell to about mid calf. "Hey Mac," he finally said.  
  
"Hey Sailor, this thing giving you problems?" she asked, gesturing to the tie he held loosely in his left hand.  
  
"Oh yeah. Can you help me?" he asked hopefully.  
  
"Sure," she said, taking it from him. They were quiet for a moment as she tied his tie. Stepping back when she was done, she smiled and said, "See? It's easy!"  
  
Harm looked in the mirror and shook his head. "I worked on that thing for 20 minutes, and you come in here and are done in two? How's that?" he asked incredulously.  
  
"Part of my marine training, Harm," she teased.  
  
"Oh, you mean along with "How to plan a bachelor party to thoroughly embarrass your best friend 101?" he asked sardonically.  
  
"Hey, it wasn't that bad... you got to see all your old buddies, right?"  
  
"Oh yeah, it wasn't that bad... you just enticed them to spend the whole evening telling every embarrassing story they could remember! And of course you had to bring up when I fired the gun in the courtroom... not that the entire Navy hasn't heard that story," he concluded ruefully.  
  
"It coulda been worse, Navy. I was thinking about putting you in Marine uniform and taking you out..."  
  
"Ok, I take back everything I said about it! It was the best bachelor party anyone's ever thrown for me!" he said frantically.  
  
"It's the only bachelor party anyone's ever thrown for you, smart aleck," she muttered.  
  
"Of course," he said with a grin. "Now let's go we only have..."  
  
"Two hours, 14 minutes till it starts," she finished for him and walked out of the apartment.  
  
He followed, shaking his head. "Are you ever going to tell me how you do that?" he asked his standard question.  
  
"Someday... when we're old and gray and you're so senile you'll forget it five minutes later," she replied cheekily.  
  
b2 hours, 10 minutes later.../b  
  
"How much longer Mac?" Harm whispered as he shifted his weight where he stood at the front of the church.  
  
"3 minutes, 15 seconds... and stop figeting!" she whispered back.  
  
Somehow Harm managed to stay still for the next 3 minutes, 4 seconds, and then it was time. The music started, the crowd stood, and Jess appeared at the end of the aisle on her father's arm. iThis is really happening!/i Mac realized, suddenly panicking. Closing her eyes, she took a few deep breaths and steadied herself by the time Jess reached the front of the church.  
  
After her father gave her away, the minister opened it prayer and gave a brief statement about the purpose of marriage. Then he got down to the real stuff.  
  
"Do you Harmon take Jessica to be your wife? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, and protect her, forsaking all others forevermore?" he asked solemnly.  
  
"I do."  
  
"And do you Jessica take Harmon to be your husband? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect him, forsaking all others forevermore?"  
  
"I do."  
  
"Having given their consent, I ask at this time if there is anyone present here who knows any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony. If so, speak now or forever hold your peace."  
  
Standing next to Harm, Mac suddenly had the urge to step forward and yell out "Because I'm in love with him!" at the top of her lungs... or at the very least run out of the church which would definitely disrupt things... Clenching her fists she reminded herself iThis is what he wants, you're happy for him, keep your mouth shut... don't say anything just don't say anything.../i Then the moment was over and the ceremony moved on.  
  
"Harm, repeat after me. I Harmon take you Jessica..."  
  
"I Harmon take you Jessica..."  
  
"To be my wife."  
  
"To be my wife."  
  
"To have and to hold,"  
  
"To have and to hold,"  
  
"In sickness and in health,"  
  
"In sickness and in health,"  
  
"For richer or for poorer, for better or for worse,"  
  
"For richer or for poorer, for better or for worse,"  
  
"To love and to cherish forsaking all others,"  
  
"To love and to cherish forsaking all others,"  
  
"Until we are parted by death."  
  
"Until we are parted by death."  
  
"I Jessica take you Harmon to be my husband. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health for richer or for poorer for better or worse, to love and to cherish; forsaking all others until we are parted by death."  
  
"Do you have the ring?" he asked Harm. Harm turned to Mac who handed him the ring she'd been keeping since earlier that week.  
  
"The wedding band is an outward symbol of the tie that binds a husband and wife together. It's form and enduring metal remind us of the eternity for which that bond is designed. Harm, place the ring on her left hand and repeat after me. With this ring I thee wed."  
  
"With this ring I thee wed."  
  
After Jessica had given Harm his ring, the minister said, "Harmon and Jessica, in so much as you have agreed to live together in matrimony and have promised your love for each other by these vows and the giving and receiving of rings, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."  
  
Harm leaned forward and gently kissed Jess. When they broke apart, the minister announced, "I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Harmon Rabb, Jr."  
  
Harm and Jess walked out of the sanctuary, followed by their attendants. There was a reception to follow, but by this point Mac's mind was so blurry from the focus it was taking not to cry that she didn't take anything in. Somehow, she managed to fade into the woodwork when Jess threw the bouquet. She waved the happy couple on their way and then went home without saying another word to anyone.  
  
AN: Honestly and truly, this ends up Mac and Harm shipper happy. I'm just taking a long, circuitous route to get there. 


	5. Feelings revealed

Disclaimer: Nope I don't own them, and if you sue me you'll have to stand in line for your money.  
  
bPart 10  
  
Monday, 05:30/b  
  
Mac arrived at work early Monday morning. iBy now, Harm and Jess are in Maui, enjoying their honeymoon,/i she thought as she sat down at her desk. Shoving those thoughts aside, her eyes fell on an envelope placed in the certer of the desk. The handwriting on it was as familiar as her own, stating simply "To My Sarah." iSince when does he call me his Sarah?/i she wondered as she opened it up.  
  
"Dear Sarah," it began,  
  
"I suppose you're wondering why I called you "My Sarah." That is how I think of you--my Sarah, my Marine... Even though I know it isn't true, in my heart you will always be mine.  
  
So much has happened since that day we met on the curb outside the Rose Garden. Then our partnership was tenuous at best; clouded by memories on my side and mistrust on yours. Gradually though I won your trust and you helped me put Dianne's ghost to rest, and we became friends.  
  
Then something else began to happen, something wonderful and exciting and terrifying. What began as friendship slowly evolved into so much more. Sarah, sometime between the dock at Norfolk and the Admiral's porch one spring night I fell in love with you.  
  
I know you're wondering why I never said anything. The truth is I was scared. Your friendship meant so much to me, could I risk that for something more? That was the question I asked myself everyday. I was questioning this on the ferry, and then the next day you showed up with Brumby's ring. At that point, I patted myself on the back for making the right choice. But as the months went by and the distance between us grew, I wondered if I hadn't lost it all.  
  
I asked it again after I was pulled from the ocean. This time, I decided to take the chance, but fate was cruel and drove us apart once more. When we were finally together again, the distance was even greater than before. I spent the next few months debating if I simply wanted to recapture our friendship or reach for something more.  
  
But as spring approached, I realized I couldn't risk our friendship in my selfish quest for more. I resolved to focus my energy on regaining what we used to have. I'd like to think that I accomplished that and more.  
  
Now I suppose you're asking why I tell you this now, as I marry another woman. Honestly Sarah I hadn't planned to. But two weeks ago in the Admiral's garden you gave me reason to believe that the feelings you once had for me aren't dead... if that is true, I thought you deserved to know the truth. In a way, I hope it isn't true and that I just made a big fool of myself, because otherwise I fear I just made a huge error in judgment by marrying a woman I love instead of the woman I'm in love with.  
  
In any case I suppose it all boils down to this: Never forget the part of me that never forgot you.  
  
centerLove Always,/center  
  
centerHarm/center  
  
bPart 11  
  
Mac's POV/b  
  
Did he just say what I think he just said? Did my best friend, the man I love, just tell me he loves me too... three days too late? My head is spinning so fast I can't hold onto a thought... after five minutes of shocked numbness I manage to grasp one thing: I have to get out of here before the tears start. Grabbing my things, I run to the elevator and leave the building, climb into my car and drive home.  
  
Somehow I manage to unlock my door, even though my hands are trembling so badly I can barely hold onto the key. Shoving it closed behind me, I drop my stuff on the floor and collapse on the couch. Pulling the letter out of my pocket I reread it until the tears begin to blur my vision. Dropping it to the floor I curl up into a little ball and sob, shaking so badly it almost hurts.  
  
Finally after 57 minutes of this I realize I have to call in or I'll be UA. I pull myself together enough to pick up the phone and dial in. "JAG headquarters," I hear Tiner say.  
  
"Tiner, this is Col. Mackenzie. Would you please tell the Admiral that I'm sick and won't be coming in today?" I ask. "Thank you Tiner," I say and hang up when he replies affirmatively. I walk to my bedroom, stripping my uniform off as I go. If I'm going to cry all day, I might as well wear comfortable clothes.  
  
But the phone rings just as I'm pulling my soft tee shirt over my head. Picking up, I say "Yes?"  
  
"Mac, this is Admiral Chegwidden. Are you sure you can't come in today? With Rabb gone on leave, I'm shorthanded."  
  
"I'm sorry Admiral, you know I wouldn't do this to you if I could avoid it, but terrible doesn't begin to describe how I feel," I reply, my voice hoarse from crying.  
  
"You sound awful. Are you going to be alright home alone?" he asked, switching from upset CO to concerned friend in a heartbeat. "Would you like someone to come by and check up on you?"  
  
"No!" I reply instantly. "Please sir, I'll be fine alone... I really don't want to see anyone right now, plus what if they got sick as well?" I cross my fingers, hoping he buys it.  
  
He does. "Ok Colonel, call me tomorrow and let me know how you feel," he orders and hangs up.  
  
Whew. There's a big accident averted. I know he would have sent Harriet, and I can just imagine what she would think if she saw me like this. Her mothering instincts would go into overdrive and she would have the whole story out of me in five minutes. That is the one thing I simply cannot allow... no one can ever know about this, not even Jingo. Some things are simply too private to say out loud.  
  
These thoughts have brought that letter back to mind. Now that the initial pain has dulled, I can think about it almost rationally... well not quite, but probably about as close as I'm going to get today.  
  
I want to be mad at him... I iam/i mad at him! Why did he have to do this to me? These last nine months have been hell--first learning about Jess, and then seeing him learn to love her... their engagement and wedding... But I was dealing with it, damnit! Then he has to go and throw this at me. I hate him. No, I love him but I'm mad at him!  
  
I admit part of me is glad to know. In a strange twisted way it feels good to be wanted, even if it is by someone who can never have me. At least now I have my answer to why no one wants me... they do, they just don't have the balls to say it.  
  
Ahem... I'm getting pretty worked up about this I know, but wouldn't you? I mean really, I've given him plenty of chances to tell me how he feels and he chooses now of all times? Talk about bad timing... If he started to think this way two weeks ago why in blue blazes didn't he say it then? Although to be completely honest, I didn't break up with Mic after our engagement party, and I should have. But I didn't get married either! Not by any design of my own, that was because of Harm's crash at least indirectly... My mind is spinning again, I'm going to find some chocolate.  
  
I'm staring at the piece of chocolate cake on my fork, cursing Harmon Rabb, Jr. with every ounce of strength I have. How can he make me not want chocolate? That settles it, I'm going to kill him. This just isn't fair... first he hits me with "I love you even though I married someone else," and now the coup de grâce... no chocolate to ease the pain. The man is pure evil, that's all there is to it.  
  
And I love him... I love him with all that I am. Pushing the plate aside, I rest my head on the table and cry again, quiet tears this time. This time I'm crying for the might have beens and the what ifs, the if onlys and I wishes.  
  
When I'm done, I sit up and begin to plan the rest of my life. My first question--do I let Harm know, or do I leave him to wonder? No, I have to let him know, because otherwise he'll obsess about it and it will throw a pall over his marriage. I refuse to let this break up his marriage, he made a choice, and Jess deserves better than that.  
  
So how do I let him know? I guess I'll leave him a note, one only he will understand. Pulling out a small notepad, I write:  
  
H~  
  
Never.  
  
~M  
  
Short, simple, to the point and completely indiscernible. Perfect. That accomplished, I'm suddenly exhausted and I go into my room and fall asleep.  
  
bTwo weeks later/b  
  
Harm just walked into his office for the first time since he got married. Nervous, I get up and go stand near his doorway. He's picking it up, he's reading it... he looks up and sees me, the pain in his eyes is too much for me. I step into his office, close the door, and walk over to him.  
  
"I'm sorry," he says softly, pushing my hair back from my face.  
  
"I know," I reply simply. "I forgive you." With those few words of reconciliation, we step into each other's arms for a hug. When we pull back, I see a tear in his eye. Mimicking a gesture of comfort he has often given me, I gently wipe it away and smile. "We'll live Harm... you'll see." And with that I walk away, leaving behind the only man I'll ever love.  
  
AN: Ok, so it's finally out in the open... Now you have to wait to find out how I put them together. 


	6. Learning to live with it

I'm really sorry it took me so long to get this out, I've been having problems getting it to upload.  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned them… well I don't so it's a moot point.  
  
Thanks so much for all the great feedback. I know the angst is a bit much in the beginning, but that's the way the story came to me, so that's the way it goes. It does get better, but not for a while.   
  
  
bPart 12  
A Month Later/b  
  
"Hey Mac, can I come over to your place tonight so we can work out our strategy on the Phillips case?" Harm asked one Thursday afternoon.  
  
"Sure Harm, 19:30?" Mac replied.  
  
"Yeah, I'll bring the file," he said and walked back to his own office.  
  
Mac sat at her desk considering this for a second. iSomething's up… he hasn't come over to work on a case since he and Jess got engaged. Wonder what it is…/i Pushing those thoughts aside, she went back to work.  
  
b19:30  
Georgetown/b  
  
"You're on time," Mac said, surprised. "Are you ready to get started?" she asked, moving to take the file from his hands.  
  
"I didn't come here to talk about the case," he said, throwing the file down on her table. "I have to tell you something… Mac, I'm going to ask for a transfer."  
  
She sat down hard on the couch and stared at him. "Transfer? Why Harm?"   
  
"You know why, Sarah," he replied heavily as he sank into a chair opposite her. "I can't work with you and be emotionally faithful to my wife. Do you know how hard it is for me not to hold you, knowing that you love me as I love you? You are the reason I get up in the morning, when I see you I can't help but smile. As wonderful as that is, it isn't fair to Jess, and I can't stop when I see you everyday."  
  
Mac processed that for a moment and then said, "Let me transfer Harm. Why should it have to be you?"  
  
"Several reasons Mac, not the least of which is that I'm the one who married someone else. Think about it for a moment… if you leave, someone will think it's because you couldn't handle me being married. You know people have always wondered about our relationship. But if I leave, I can say that Jess and I want a new town to start our married life in, that we want everything to be fresh. Plus, you need our friends."  
  
"And you don't?" she retorted.  
  
"Not as much as you do… as painful as it is, I have my wife for support. But if you were to transfer right now because of this, not only would you lose the close support of Bud and Harriet and everyone else, you would never let yourself make close friends again, you'd shut yourself off. I can't let you do that to yourself. No, I have to be the one to leave."  
  
"You know me too well Harm," Mac said with a small smile.  
  
"Of course I do," he said as he stood to leave. "That's what friends are for." Then he grabbed his file and walked out the door.  
  
Mac stayed on the couch for several minutes, running over what he had said. iHe's leaving. Not only that, he's pulling away from me emotionally. Of course I knew that would happen, had to happen… but it still hurts. I didn't expect it to hurt this way!/i  
  
bAdmiral's office  
Next Day/b  
  
Admiral Chegwidden peered over his glasses at his senior officer in disbelief. "You want to transfer? May I ask why?" he asked stridently.  
  
"Yes Sir," Harm replied. "Jess and I have both lived in D.C. for several years, we thought it would be nice to start our married life in a new place."  
  
"I don't suppose this has anything to do with the opening in the San Diego office?" AJ asked dryly.  
  
"No Sir, I wasn't aware of that," Harm answered, surprised.  
  
"Hm. Well, I was just getting ready to go through some files, but if you can be ready to leave in two weeks, the position is yours."  
  
"Thank you Sir!" Harm came to attention, saluted and left.  
  
As he passed Mac's office, he caught her eye and stepped in the doorway. "I'm transferring to San Diego, we leave in two weeks," he said with a hint of excitement.  
  
"That's great Harm, I know you miss being close to your mom," she replied, trying to throw a touch of enthusiasm into her response.  
  
"Yeah, it'll be great, being able to see her more often." His eyes got a far off look and Mac had to smile.  
  
"Ok Flyboy, you told me your good news now get out of here so I can get some work done!"  
  
"Yes Ma'am!" Harm said and returned to his own office.  
  
Mac sat at her computer thinking about her plan. Yes, this would definitely be a good time. Standing up, she walked over to the Admiral's door and knocked. "Enter," he said gruffly. She walked in, standing at attention until he said, "At ease."  
  
"Sir, Commander Rabb just informed me that he'll be transferring. I'm assuming this means we'll be shorthanded for a few weeks until you find a suitable replacement?"  
  
"Yes Colonel?"  
  
"In light of that fact Sir, I would like to request leave time beginning Monday. I could be back the following week to help pick up the slack as he clears up his paperwork and leaves, and I would be in much better condition to do so."  
  
Chegwidden considered her for a moment. "You seem to have thought this out pretty well Mac, can I assume you knew he would be leaving before I did?"  
  
"We did discuss it last night Sir, yes. It occurred to me at the time that this might be my last chance for a break in some time."  
  
"Well, you're right about that. Request for leave granted. We'll see you next Monday."  
  
"Aye Sir," Mac said and saluted. Walking to Harm's office, she tapped on the door and stepped inside. "Just wanted to let you know, I'm going on leave next week before you leave us shorthanded."  
  
"Where are you going?" he asked, not at all surprised by this.  
  
She shrugged and replied, "Not sure yet. I may just go where the road takes me."  
  
"Mac, I don't like the idea of you being completely out of touch like that."  
  
"Worried about me Harm?" she asked with a smile. "Don't worry, I'll take my cell with me. If you're really lucky, I might call when I reach my destination, but don't count on it." With that she closed the door and walked back to her office to finish up some paperwork before she left.  
  
bSaturday afternoon/b  
  
Mac got out of the car and stretched, contemplating the white house in front of her. iDo I know what I'm doing?/i she suddenly asked herself. She was about to climb back into her car and drive away when the front door opened and an older lady walked down the front walk to greet her.  
  
"Hello Sarah," she stated simply as she assessed the young woman before her.  
  
"Hello Mrs. Rabb, it's nice to meet you," Mac replied nervously.  
  
Finishing her assessment, she apparently liked what she saw for she smiled and said, "Call me Gram dear," ushering Mac into the house.  
  
Once they'd settled on the couch with a cup of tea, Gram started asking her questions. "Sarah, how long have you and Harm been partners?"  
  
"Six and a half years, why?"  
  
"I was just thinking that in all that time we've never met, I didn't even get to talk with you at the wedding. What made you decide to come here today?"  
  
"Well…" Mac thought fast. iI'm not sure I should tell her I'm in love with her grandson who happens to be married to another woman… I think I can keep my answer vague enough./i "There's been a lot going on in my life recently, and I knew this would be my last chance for leave for the next little bit since Harm's transferring…"  
  
"Harm's transferring?" Gram cut in.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have told you that… I just assumed he'd already mentioned it, although it just went through yesterday," Mac started babbling in embarrassment.  
  
"It's ok Sarah, I'm sure he'll call to give me the details. Anyway, Harm's leaving so you took your vacation now… that doesn't answer why you came here," she persisted.  
  
"Because I needed someone to talk to and Harm always speaks so highly of you… I don't really have anyone in my family I can go to," Mac said honestly.  
  
For a long moment, the older Sarah looked at Mac with an unreadable expression, and then she smiled softly. "How long have you been in love with my grandson, Sarah?" she asked quietly.  
  
Mac looked up, startled, and suddenly started to cry. "I don't know!" she admitted between sobs.  
  
Gram pulled her into her arms for a gramma-hug, holding her while she let the tears flow. "Shh, it'll be ok, calm down Sarah," she whispered in her ear. After a few minutes, Mac regained her composure and straightened up. Smiling at her, Gram asked, "Now are you ready to talk?"  
  
Mac nodded and pulled the letter out of her purse. "Of course you know that Harm just got married, and I'm sure you can imagine how I've felt these last 8 months or so… but the Monday after the wedding, this was on my desk when I got to work." Handing Gram the letter, she waited for her reaction.  
  
Gram read it silently, and then sighed. "I never thought my grandson was such a doofus," she commented, causing Mac to laugh. "Well I didn't! So I take it this is the reason behind the transfer?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah," Mac sighed. "He wants to put distance between us so we won't get in the way of his marriage."  
  
"And he's doing the right thing."  
  
"I know Gram, it's just…"  
  
"You want to know how to let him go without forgetting him, how to hold onto the memories without holding onto him," Gram finished for her.  
  
"Exactly! Can you tell me what to do?" she begged.  
  
"First, you will leave this letter with me. I can tell by the creases and tear marks that you've read it over and over. I'm sure you have it memorized by now… let his declaration become a memory rather than something you re-live everyday."  
  
Mac hesitated. "May I just read it one last time?"  
  
"Of course dear," Gram replied and handed back to her.  
  
Gently, almost reverently Mac unfolded the paper. Gram was right, it was getting worn and creased from repeated readings, and Sarah didn't want to tear it. As she read, the older woman watched the sweet smile that spread across her face as she said her favorite parts silently. When she was finished, she carefully folded it back up and placed it in the envelope. Handing it to Gram, she asked, "What will you do with it?"  
  
"For now, I'll put it in a safe place. If there's ever a time when it seems like it should be brought back out, I'll return it to you. Now you're tired and hungry, let's make some supper."   
  
The rest of the week was peaceful, a time for Mac to simply relax away from the pain and stress of her daily life. She and Gram took long walks around the farm and talked about everything, not just Harm and how he'd had his head up his rear for almost seven years.   
  
iI'm so glad I came,/i Mac thought to herself as she prepared to go home Sunday afternoon. iIt's been nice to have someone to talk to, someone to trust./i Standing by the car, she gave Gram a hug and said, "Thanks for everything… can I come back sometime?"  
  
"Anytime, Sarah. You're always welcome here. Now tell that grandson of mine to call me!"   
  
bMonday morning /b  
  
Harm leaned against her open door and grinned at her. "Have a nice break Marine?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, I did. How was your week?"  
  
"Paperwork," he grimaced. "So where'd you go?"  
  
"Grandma Sarah's," she replied.  
  
His brows rose in surprise. "My Grandma Sarah?" he questioned.  
  
"Yep. She's quite the woman Harm, you're lucky. Now if we don't get going, we'll be late for staff call."  
  
b1 week later/b  
  
The entire JAG staff had turned out to see Harm and Jess off. As they said their goodbyes, Mac hung back, not certain of what to say. Eventually, Harm made his way over to her. After a moment of simply looking at each other, he pulled her into his arms for a hug. "Take care of yourself Marine," he whispered hoarsely.  
  
"You too Sailor. Remember I won't be there to watch your six, so be careful," she replied.  
  
He smiled slightly at that and pulled away. "Good bye Mac, I'm going to miss you."  
  
"Good bye Harm… I'll see you later." She allowed him to wipe away the lone tear tracking down her face and then turned around and left.  
  
bPart 13/b  
  
The first letter came a week later, postmarked four days after they had left. Sitting down on the couch, Mac began to read.  
  
"Dear Mac,  
  
Can you believe I'm writing this at 04:00? We pulled in yesterday, and I can't sleep. The drive out went smoothly, if you don't count the speeding ticket I got trying to get out of Nevada. The next few weeks are going to be crazy, between getting everything put away at home and settling into my new job.  
  
I promised myself I wasn't going to do this, but I can't help myself… I miss you Sarah. Part of me hates myself for writing that because I know it will hurt to hear, but I have to tell you. I'm going to go now before I get too emotional… talk to you later.  
  
Harm"  
  
Sighing, Mac set the letter down. iYeah, it does hurt to hear, but it feels nice too… It's nice to be missed. I can let it slide this time,/i she rationalized and began writing her reply.  
  
"Dear Harm,  
  
I got your letter today. Did you really write that at 04:00? I can't believe you were up that early, especially after a cross country drive. I'm glad you and Jess made it safely, and I have to admit the ticket doesn't surprise me. Our new person isn't here yet, so I've been trying to do the work of two people. The Admiral has decided to leave me without a partner so whoever comes in will be put with either Bud or Singer.   
  
Well, I guess that's all on this end. Write back soon Harm, it's good to hear from you.  
  
Mac"  
  
When Harm finally got her letter 10 days later (courtesy Snail Mail), he smiled inwardly at the last line. iThat's Mac… never come right out and say "I miss you," just ask to you to keep in touch./i Sitting down with a pen and paper he began to write.  
  
"Dear Mac,  
  
Just got your letter today; what's that come out to, three cents a day? Anyway, I have to say I hope he partners the new person with Bud because I wouldn't wish Singer on my worst enemy. (Although it would be interesting to see what Palmer would do to her…)   
  
Jess found a job yesterday so she's happy. I love my new job and being here close to Mom. I'm hoping Frank and I will become closer too.  
  
I'd better get going, keep in touch Marine.  
  
Harm"  
  
His letter arrived promptly, but Mac didn't have a chance to reply for two weeks. When she finally did, it was quick and harried.  
  
Dear Harm,  
  
I'm sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, but work has been hellish for the last week and a half. We finally got your replacement, and if you met him I think you'd recant your position on Singer. The man is twice as bad as her… actually, he reminds me of a combination of all the things we hate about her and Webb, plus a little of Palmer's craftiness thrown in for good measure. Somedays I swear he's the devil incarnate. Luckily, I don't have much contact with him… Lucky for him that is! I'm not sure he'll last much past the new year, even the Admiral seems to be getting tired of him.   
  
Anyway, I don't have much time to talk, take care!  
  
Mac"  
  
Mac didn't hear anything from Harm for two weeks and then one day her phone rang…  
  
bOctober 31, 2003/b  
  
"Lt. Col. Mackenzie," she answered absently as she sifted through the mail.  
  
"Sarah! I'm so glad you're home, you're never going to believe what I have to tell you," Harm's excited voice came over the wire.  
  
"Well I'll never have a chance unless you tell me," she replied drolly.  
  
"Funny Marine. I have the most amazing news… Jess is pregnant! I'm going to be a father!"  
  
"Harm, that's great! When is she due?"   
  
"June 15th, she's about 6 weeks along. Hey, I have to get off the phone, Jess still hasn't told all her family. I just had to let you know."  
  
"Ok Harm, take care."  
  
"You too Mac, good bye."  
  
In a daze, Mac gently replaced the handset in the cradle. iThey're having a baby… Harm is going to be a father, I know how much that's always meant to him. I can't believe I managed to sound excited for them, or that I even am a little bit. It still hurts though… time to take a little trip./i  
  
Pulling out her overnight bag, she packed hurriedly and left her apartment. The drive went quickly, and in no time she was pulling up to the farm. Gram had the front door open and was down the walk before Mac even got out of her car. "I've been expecting you dear, supper is ready," she said and gave her a hug.  
  
After a quiet supper, Gram made two cups of tea and guided Mac into the living room. "Are you ready to talk Sarah?" she asked gently.  
  
"I don't think so Gram, do you mind if I go to bed here in a minute?" Sarah replied wearily.  
  
"Of course. We don't need to talk at all if you don't want to, we can be silent the whole weekend. Whatever you need, you'll get," Gram promised and sent Mac up to bed.  
  
The next morning Mac was up at dawn. As the first rays of light began to peek over the hills, she got dressed and went out for a walk, thinking about what she wanted to say. When the sunrise was in full glory, she began the trek back to the house, not at peace but at least more sure of herself.  
  
Not surprisingly, Gram had breakfast ready for her when she returned. Taking off her jacket, Mac sat down at the table, ready to talk.  
  
"Gram, did Harm ever tell you what happened the day our godson was born?" she asked without preamble.  
  
"Let's see… was he the one who was born in the Admiral's office?" Gram asked, wondering where this was going.  
  
"Yes, but that's not the part I was referring to. That spring was one of the hardest of my life. My estranged father died, I saw my mother again for the first time in over 15 years, my little sister Chloe was leaving to live with her family, and I'd just found out Harm was seriously considering returning to carrier duty. Then on top of that, one of my best friends had just had a baby, something I've wanted for a long time.  
  
"I suppose Harm could tell I was upset, because he tried to tell me that it was all going to be ok. And then he promised me that if neither of us was in a relationship in five years, we'd have a baby together." Sarah stopped and looked up a Gram, gauging her reaction.  
  
Gram sighed inwardly. iMen can be so dense,/i she thought to herself before replying carefully. "Surely you knew that would never happen now Sarah. What else is bothering you?"  
  
"This spring AJ will celebrate his 5th birthday," she answered simply.  
  
"And it feels like Harm is fulfilling his promise, but with someone else," Gram realized and saw Mac nod slightly. "Ok, but I know there's something more than just the coincidental timing that brought you here. What are you afraid of?" she persisted.  
  
Mac looked away and said softly, "I'm afraid that he'll forget me."  
  
"Look at me Sarah," Gram quietly ordered. When she had her full attention, she continued on. "Harm will never forget you, he's promised you that, but your relationship will change. He has a wife now and soon they'll have a baby, and that will take first place in his life, as it should. But you can be assured that the memory of you will always be in his heart."  
  
"How Gram? How can I be certain?" Mac asked.  
  
"Because you know him Sarah. He promised you he would never forget you, and Harm does not make promises he won't keep. Yes, things have changed since then and he will be keeping it in a different way than he thought at first, but the feelings he has for you are part of what makes him who he is. You can be sure of that."  
  
Mac didn't have anything to say to that, and the two ladies were quiet for the rest of breakfast. The rest of the weekend she simply relaxed, telling Gram funny stories about work and "Lt. Killer" as the staff had nicknamed the new guy for his constant drive for the jugular. Sunday afternoon she drove back home, ready to face another week of work and whatever life threw her way.  
  
b2 Months Later/b  
  
After yet another long day of work, Mac sat down to write Harm a letter. iOur letters have gotten a lot fewer and farther between,/i she mused as she pulled out a piece of paper.  
  
"Dear Harm,  
  
I'm sorry I haven't written you since Christmas, but as I recall, I haven't heard from you since before that. How's life treating you? Are Jess and the baby doing ok? Of course they are, stupid question. I know you would have told me otherwise. Hey, are you going to find out what it is, or do you want to be surprised?  
  
Well, I was right on the money, the Admiral announced that the jerk was being transferred. Too bad there wasn't an office pool, the extra cash would have been nice. Of course this means we'll be short handed again, so hello work, good bye life. Not that I have much of a life, I babysit AJ and have dinner with Bud and Harriet, that's about it. Oh well, it's enough for me.  
  
I guess I'd better be going. I have one last free weekend, and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. Talk to you later.  
  
Mac"  
  
"Dear Sarah,  
  
It was good to hear from you, as always. I'm sorry it's been so long, life just keeps getting more hectic! Of course, I've been looking at this letter meaning to reply everyday for the last three weeks, but somehow I just never got around to it.   
  
Let's see… Christmas was great. I missed my visit to the Wall, but it was good to spend it with Mom and Frank. I know Frank and I will never have a perfect relationship, but after the last five months I think I can say we're finally friends. It's a good feeling.  
  
It doesn't surprise me to hear you were right about the new guy… you always did have a great sense of timing. I'm glad he's gone too—sounded like he was a royal pain in the butt. On the other hand, at least you had another person pulling the weight around there. I know what you mean about being short handed, we just lost someone this last week and everyone's been doing double time to make up for it.  
  
Yes, Jess and the baby are doing great, and yes we're going to find about if it's a boy or a girl. We have some names picked out already, after we find out I'll tell you the name.  
  
Well, that's about it around here. Right back soon! (Although I don't promise I will…)  
  
Harm"  
  
Mac smiled as she read that last line. iOf course not Harm, you always were late…/i she thought before writing out her reply.  
  
Dear Harm,  
  
Well, it seems we've both maintained our usual sense of timing. I'm always right, and you're always behind. Just kidding…  
  
It hasn't actually been that bad since he left. I think the improvement in atmosphere has encouraged everyone to kick it up a little, so the workload is still pretty even.  
  
I'm looking forward to hearing the baby's name. Harm, have I told you how special it is to watch (well read) you get so excited about being a father? I'm glad you're so happy.  
  
Talk to you later,  
Mac"  
  
Harm's next letter didn't come until mid-March, and it was full of good news.  
  
"Dear Sarah,  
  
We're having a girl! I know everyone probably thought I'd want a son so I could name him Harmon III, but deep in my heart I was hoping for a daughter I could spoil… a daddy's girl. Elizabeth Grace is still due on June 15th, although the doctor is now saying she could come a week before then… and even that is an estimate of course.  
  
I have to go now, but I just wanted you to know!  
  
Harm"  
  
A few weeks after mailing the letter, Harm received a card postmarked from Rosslyn. Opening it up, he found read, "Come celebrate AJ's 5th birthday with us!" Dropping it as if it were on fire, his mind began to race. iFive years from this moment, if neither of us is in a relationship…/i Without thinking, he picked up the phone and dialed.  
  
"Lt. Col. Mackenzie," she answered clearly.  
  
"Hello Sarah," he said quietly.  
  
"Harm… is anything wrong, you sound funny?"  
  
"No, nothing's wrong, just been a long day," he lied.   
  
"So what's up?" she asked.  
  
"I just got AJ's birthday invitation today, and I was hoping you'd tell him I'm sorry I'll miss it."  
  
Mac's stomach clenched when she heard that. iHe remembered,/i she realized. iGram, how do I handle this?/i Then she heard herself say, "Of course I will Harm… and I'm sure he'll be glad you remembered. You'd better call him yourself though," she warned, surprised at how calm her voice sounded.  
  
"Yeah, of course… well, that was all I wanted to say. Bye Mac, talk to you later," he said and hung up.  
  
Mac stared at the phone for a moment before making a sudden decision. Dialing a now familiar number, she called Gram. "Hello Gram, it's Sarah," she said when the older lady picked up.  
  
"Well hello Sarah, how are you?"  
  
"I'm fine Gram… I just talked to Harm. He remembers our deal. What should I do?"  
  
"What did he say to you?"  
  
"Nothing really, just wanted me to let AJ know that he didn't forget his birthday, and that he's sorry he'll miss it… But Gram, that isn't what bothered me the most. He's been calling me Sarah."  
  
"I call you Sarah, does that bother you?"  
  
"No, of course not," Mac replied, slightly embarrassed. "But Harm only calls me Sarah when…" she found suddenly that she didn't have the right words to explain, but it turned out she didn't need to.  
  
"He calls you Sarah when he's thinking about how much he loves you."  
  
"Exactly Gram… I need him to stop, he needs to stop for himself. How can I tell him that without hurting his feelings?"  
  
"You can't Sarah. Tell you what, why don't you come up here this weekend and we'll plan it together. You can even call him from here so I can straighten him if necessary," Gram suggested.  
  
"That'd be great Gram. Today is Tuesday, I'll see you in three days," she said and hung up.  
  
bSaturday morning/b  
  
"So have you thought about how to tell my grandson he can't call you by your first name?" Gram asked after breakfast.  
  
"Yes, I have. I think instead of telling him about what it means for him, I'll focus on what it does to me… that way he'll stop as a way to protect me and he won't feel guilty for doing something he shouldn't. As he gets out of the habit, gradually he'll stop thinking about how much he loves me and start remembering it instead. Does that sound like a good idea?" Mac asked nervously.  
  
"It sounds perfect Sarah. However, it's only 7:00 am in California, so why don't we go into town and do a little shopping to distract us?"  
  
Two hours later the ladies returned to the farm laden with packages. Taking the bags Sarah was holding, Gram gently pushed her toward the phone. "It's time Sarah… call him."  
  
Choosing to use her cell phone instead, Mac hit the speed dial button that dialed Harm's cell. A few seconds later, he picked up and said, "Yes Sarah?" She was startled for a moment, then realized he must have caller id.  
  
"Hey Harm… wait a minute, where are you?" she asked as she heard unfamiliar sounds in the background.   
  
"I'm at the beach outside my parent's place. Jess kicked me out last night," he added chuckling.  
  
"Uh-oh… what did you do to anger your pregnant wife?"   
  
"Nothing major… just commented on how the nice April day didn't feel that hot to me. Apparently, that was not the right opinion to voice. It'll be fine by this evening, although I suspect I'd better get used to my old bedroom since I'll probably be here a lot over the next few months."  
  
Mac laughed at that. "Yeah, telling a pregnant woman it's not hot isn't the wisest move, but I'm sure you'll make worse mistakes. Don't forget this is all your fault," she teased.  
  
"Haha, thanks Mac. Hey, were you calling for a reason, or just to make fun of me?" he asked, pretending to pout.  
  
She took a deep breath. "I have a reason… Harm, I need you to stop calling me Sarah," she requested.  
  
He was silent for a moment and then said, "I thought you liked that."  
  
She could hear the confusion in his voice, and steeled herself to give him the answer he needed to hear. "I do Harm, a little too much. When you call me Sarah, it's just one more reminder that I'm alone. Please stop."  
  
This time he was quiet for so long that she wondered if they'd lost the connection. Finally (2 minutes, 34 seconds) later, he answered in a subdued voice. "Ok Mac, if that's what you want. Ah… I have to go now, talk to you later," he said and hung up. 


	7. Four Years Later

AN: I forgot to mention that Bethy's birthday was 6/11/04. It is now 6/21/08.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own my own car, much less a tv show.   
  
bPart 14  
4 Years Later/b  
  
Harm was busy working on a case when his phone rang. Picking it up, he absently answered, "Hello?"  
  
"Is this Cmdr. Harmon Rabb, Jr?" the voice on the other end of the line asked.  
  
Fully alert now, Harm replied, "Yes it is. May I ask who's calling?"  
  
"This is Cindy Green from County General. Could you please come over here sir?"  
  
A feeling of dread began to grow in the pit of Harm's stomach. "Why? What's wrong?" he asked, trying to remain calm.  
  
"It seems your wife was involved in a car accident sir… sir? Hello? Are you still there?" But Harm had dropped the phone and was already out the door.  
  
As he raced over to the hospital, he began to pray. iPlease let her be alright God, I need her! I can't raise our daughter alone!/i Suddenly he realized something. iBethy! She was going to pick up Bethy a while ago… surely if she'd been in the car, they would have mentioned it…/i he tried to reassure himself. Picking up his cell phone, he dialed the daycare provider.  
  
"Hello? Mrs. Carmichael? This is Commander Rabb… Jess never picked Bethy up? Thank God! Ma'am, I'm sorry to be an inconvience, but my wife was in a car accident this afternoon. Could you keep Bethy for a while longer? Thank you ma'am, I appreciate it. My mother will be by to pick her up."  
  
While stopped at a light, he hung up and called his mother at her gallery. "Mom, this is Harm. I've got some bad news… no nothing like that, Jess was in a car accident. I don't know how bad, I'm not to the hospital yet. But she was on her way to pick Bethy up, could you go get her and keep her for a while? Thanks Mom, I'll call you when I have more news."  
  
By this time he'd reached the hospital and was striding into the emergency room. "I'm Commander Rabb," he identified himself at the nurse's station. "My wife was brought in a few hours ago from a car accident?"  
  
"Hello Commander, I'm Cindy. You gave me quite a fright when you left without saying anything," the young nurse admonished as she began to lead Harm down the hallway.  
  
"I'm sorry ma'am… I wasn't thinking."  
  
"Of course you weren't. Here she is," she said gesturing through an open door.  
  
Looking in, Harm gasped at the sight of his wife. She beaten and bloodied, covered with wires and machines. "How… how serious is she?" he asked quietly as he sat by her still form.  
  
"I don't know exactly, I'll send the doctor in to talk to you now that you're here," Cindy replied as she left.  
  
Harm gently picked up Jess' hand and held it. "Wake up sweetheart, please… I need you to talk to me," he pleaded softly.  
  
"Commander Rabb?" a voice asked from the hallway.  
  
Harm turned around and saw a doctor in his late 30's standing behind him. "Yes?" he asked nervously.   
  
"Why don't you come with me for a moment so I can tell you what's going on," the other man suggested gently.  
  
Harm reluctantly let go of his wife's hand and followed the doctor. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name," he ventured as they entered a small room.  
  
"Doctor Adam James," he replied. "Now what do you know so far?"  
  
"All I know is that my wife was supposed to be picking up our daughter from daycare this afternoon and apparently was involved in a car accident before she got there. Please, how is she?"  
  
"The accident your wife was in was a three car pileup on the freeway, Commander. The other two drivers were both DOA and one passenger is currently in critical condition, as is your wife."  
  
"But she'll be fine right?"  
  
"I'm afraid I can't promise you that sir… I'm very sorry, but she might not even wake up," Dr. James stated.  
  
Numb, Harm stood and shook his hand. "I see, thank you doctor. If you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my wife."  
  
"Of course sir."  
  
Finding the chair next to Jess' bed, Harm sank down into it. iHe has to be wrong,/i he insisted to himself. iShe's so young, it's too early… and Bethy, what will I tell Bethy?/i Suddenly realizing he hadn't gotten back to his mom about Jess' condition, Harm pulled out his phone and dialed her number. "Mom? No Mom, it's not good… the doctor… he isn't even sure she'll wake up. Could you bring Bethy over here? If he's right, she should be able to say goodbye." As he talked to his mother, he became aware of some movement out of the corner of his eye. Looking up, he saw his wife's eye's begin to flutter open. "Mom? Jess is starting to wake up, I'll talk to you when you get here ok?" he said and hung up.  
  
"Jess?" he said quietly and picked up her hand. "Come on Jess, I'm right here… open your eyes for me honey," he begged.  
  
Finally his attempts were rewarded as she slowly opened her grey eyes and looked right at him. "Harm? What happened… wait, there was a car in front of me… it flipped." She tried to remember all the details but was quieted by her husband.  
  
"Don't worry about it Jess… I'm going to go get the doctor, ok?" he said as he slipped from the room running smack into Dr. James. "Doctor! I'm so glad to see you… Jess just woke up!" he said, trying to keep the excitement out of his voice.  
  
"Why don't you have a seat in the waiting room Harm while I check on her?" he suggested.  
  
That was where Trish, Frank, and Bethy found him when they arrived 20 minutes later. "Harm? What's going on? Is she going to be ok?" Trish asked worriedly.  
  
"I don't know for sure Mom, but she woke up so that's got to mean something. Wait, here's the doctor. Dr. James, this is my mother and step-father and my daughter Bethy. Could you tell us how she's doing?" he asked almost desperately.  
  
He hesitated for a moment, glancing at the little girl. Frank understood and took her by the hand. "Bethy, why don't you and I go get something from the cafeteria," he suggested as they walked away.  
  
"What's wrong doctor?" Trish asked quietly.  
  
"Mrs. Rabb suffered severe internal injuries, some of which are still bleeding, as well as a massive head injury. It's a miracle she woke up at all, and I don't expect her to last the night. I would suggest that the whole family take this reprieve to say good bye."  
  
Harm reeled back in shock, and once again Trish came to the rescue. "Are you sure doctor?"  
  
"As sure as I can be. There's always a chance for a miraculous recovery, but I wouldn't be counting on it right now," he replied. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some other patients I need to check in on."  
  
When he walked away, Trish turned to look at her son. He looked shell shocked. "Harm," she said gently, "Why don't you go in first? I'll go get Frank and Bethy, and we'll come in about 30 minutes." She pushed him in the direction of Jess' room and walked toward the cafeteria.  
  
Harm slowly walked into Jess' room and sat down by her side. Picking up her hand, he stroked her forehead until she woke from the light sleep she'd fallen into. "Hey there," he said softly, smiling at her. "How do you feel?"  
  
"Like I was hit by a truck," she replied with a touch of humor. "Where's Bethy?"  
  
"She's in the cafeteria with Mom and Frank. They'll be here in about 30 minutes."  
  
"Good, I need to talk to you alone first. Harm, there are some things I want to tell you before…" her voice trailed off and she looked away.  
  
"Hey, don't talk like that. You're going to be fine," Harm insisted.  
  
"Honey, you know that isn't what the doctor said, and I can't go without saying these things. Please just listen," she begged.  
  
"What kind of things?" he asked, genuinely confused.  
  
"Well first off I love you."  
  
"I already knew that," he said with a grin.  
  
"I know, but I want to make sure you understand how happy you've made me. You and Bethy are the best thing that's ever happened to me." She stopped for a moment, wracked with coughs.   
  
"Hey, maybe you shouldn't be talking so much," Harm said suddenly concerned.  
  
"I have to Harm… it's important." Taking a deep breath to gather her strength, she pushed on. "You always made me feel special. It was wonderful knowing that your strength was there for me, and I tried to give you my support in return. These last five years that I've tasted the gift of your love have been the happiest of my life.  
  
"Bethy is the most wonderful part of it all… I love looking down into her sweet face and seeing your eyes looking back up at me. She's the very best part of both of us Harm."  
  
"I know, she's incredible," Harm broke in, seeing that she needed a break.  
  
Nodding weakly, Jess continued. "And she's why I'm going to ask you this… I want you to remarry Harm." Holding her hand up against his protests, she said, "My daughter needs a mother and you… you need a partner. Do you know where I'm going with this Harm?" she asked, looking at him intently.  
  
"I… I think so, Jess," he said as he looked away guiltily.  
  
Using some of her precious strength, Jess reached out and forced him to look at her. "Don't Harm… don't feel guilty. You've done nothing to feel guilty for, I know that. I knew from the moment I saw the two of you together that you were in love. When I asked about it, I half expected some BS answer about friends and partners, but you were honest with me. And then you uttered six little words that changed my life forever… "I choose to be with you." Do you remember saying that?"  
  
"Yes," he replied.  
  
"With those words, I knew that while I would never hold your heart the way she does, I did have your will, your intentions, and as time went by even your love. In that moment, I made a conscious decision not to let Mac become a scepter between us, and she never was. You're looking guilty again sailor, what's wrong?"  
  
Harm looked away and then down at her. "I should never have let you know how I feel," he replied in a soft tortured voice.  
  
She sighed in exasperation and then said, "Didn't you hear what I just said? You didn't let me know, I figured it out… women are supposed to be able to see these things," she teased. Then more seriously she said, "Harm, I don't want you to feel guilty. I have been happy with you, and I know we were happy together. I never once wondered about the two of you, I trust you. And I want you to know how proud I was of you when you chose to move… that took a lot of strength, and I know it wasn't easy for you.  
  
"Now I'm going to tell you something I'm not sure even you know. In some way, you never forgot her. There is a part of your heart that is reserved for only Sarah Mackenzie. You've closed it off for years, now it's time to open it back up. Go to her… be happy."  
  
"Jess, I don't…"  
  
"Harm, please. It's hard for me to leave you like this, but it will be even harder if I know you refuse to be happy."  
  
"I don't want to forget you Jess," he whispered and was surprised to hear her laugh softly.  
  
"Harm, I know you love me and will never forget me. Even if you wanted to, we do have a daughter… Now please give me peace and return the woman who has never forgotten you."  
  
Harm nodded slightly and then stood up. "I'm going to go see if Bethy's ready to come in," he said quietly.  
  
Trish and Frank stood when they saw him walk out. "Is she still awake?" Frank asked.  
  
"Yeah… Mom, why don't you take Bethy in? I'll be back in a few minutes…" Harm said as he sat down in a chair.  
  
After they had left, Frank turned to him with a look of concern. "What's wrong Harm? How's she doing?"  
  
"She's dying Frank," Harm said as a few tears slipped down his face. "I want to tell myself it isn't true, but I can see it in her eyes, she's fading fast."   
  
"I'm sorry son," Frank replied, at loss for what else to say.  
  
"I know Frank… come back with me?" he asked.  
  
"Sure." The two men walked back into the room just as Trish was standing up. Harm bent over and picked up his four year old daughter, who wrapped her arms tightly around his neck.  
  
"Daddy, is mommy going to be ok?" she whispered in his ear.  
  
"I don't know sweetheart, I hope so," he replied, valiantly holding back tears. "Now why don't you go with Grandma and Grandpa, and I'll talk to mommy for a little bit?"  
  
"Ok. I love you daddy," she said as she was passed willingly to her grandmother.  
  
"I love you too Bethy. I'll see you in a few minutes ok?"  
  
After they left, he turned toward his wife. He had a moment of slight panic when he saw her eyes were closed, but then they fluttered open and he let out a sigh of relief.  
  
"Hey there… you back already?" she said tiredly, her attempt at teasing failing as did her strength.  
  
"Yep. Can't get rid of me that easily."  
  
"Harm. I'm getting tired, so tired; will you sit here and hold my hand?" she asked weakly.  
  
His heart sank at her words, but he obeyed silently. Sitting down beside her, he took her hand in his and began to talk, reminding her of all the wonderful times they'd shared. He was in the middle of a story about Bethy when he felt her hand go slack in his. Setting it down beside her, he stood up and called for the doctor.  
  
When he walked into the waiting room, it only took one look for his family to know it was over. Trish stood up with Bethy and came over to wrap her arms around her son. "I'm so sorry Harm," she whispered.   
  
"I know Mom… can Bethy and I stay with you for a while? I can't go back there, not tonight."  
  
"Of course son. Are you ready to go?" At his slight nod, she reached down for his hand and they walked out of the hospital. By unspoken agreement, Harm handed Frank his keys and let him drive his car over. He knew he was in no condition to drive.  
  
Long after everyone else had laid down for the night, Harm was up, looking out over the ocean. "Jess, why did you leave me?" he asked for the 100th time. "I can't do this alone…" Without even thinking, he picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number. After several rings, someone finally picked up.  
  
"Mm… hello?"   
  
"Sarah…" he whispered.  
  
"Harm? Is that you?" she asked, confused. iIt sounds like Harm, but he hasn't called me Sarah in years… wait, what's he doing up at 01:00?/i  
  
"Sarah, I need you," he said, his voice a little stronger, but holding a thread of weakness.  
  
"What's wrong Harm… what's happened?" Mac asked, concerned.  
  
"It's Jess…she was in a car accident today."  
  
"Oh no! Is she going to be ok?"   
  
"Sarah… my wife's dead." His voice finally broke, and Mac could hear him crying on the other end of the phone.  
  
"I'm catching the next flight out Harm, I'll be there in the morning," Mac replied suddenly completely awake.  
  
"Thank you Sarah… I know I'm not supposed to call you that…"  
  
"It's ok now Harm, don't worry about it," she reassured as she began to pack. "I'm going to hang up now, I want you to try and get some sleep ok?"  
  
"Ok… We're at Mom and Frank's place, do you need directions?"  
  
"No, I can find it. I'll see you in the morning Harm," she said and hung up.  
  
  
bPart 15  
3 Months Later/b  
  
Harm stood at attention in front of his CO. "Are you sure about this Harm?" he asked intently. "You want to move back to Washington? I know the last few months have been hard for you, maybe this isn't the right time to be making a decision."  
  
"Yes sir, I'm sure. It's time for my daughter and I to have a new start, someplace without memories around every corner. I'd like to move back to DC if possible, that's where my friends are, but if not I'll take almost anything."  
  
"Even though your parents live here?" the senior officer questioned, wanting to make sure.  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
A wide grin broke out on the other man's face. "Then I think we have just the job for you Harm. Would you accept the position of AJAG Civil Law?"  
  
Confused, Harm looked at his CO for a minute. "Sir, isn't that an O6 position?" he asked.  
  
"That's right Captain," he, coming around the desk to hand Harm his new shoulder boards.  
  
Stunned, Harm just stared for a moment before smiling and shaking the man's hand. "Thank you sir, I'd be glad to take that position."  
  
"I thought you might be. And now Captain, you are dismissed until three weeks from now, when you report to headquarters."  
  
Harm snapped off a quick salute and spun out of the room, a grin on his face. iBack to DC… and as an AJAG! This is better than I was hoping for./i  
  
On his way home he picked up Bethy from daycare. "Daddy!" she cried when she saw him. "You're early today!"  
  
"That's right sweetheart, today is a big day, do you know why?" Suddenly he realized he had no idea how to tell his four year old daughter that they would be moving from the only home she'd ever known.  
  
"No… are we having hamburgers for dinner?" she asked innocently.  
  
Harm laughed for a minute. "If you want to we can. No, do you remember what Daddy's rank is?"  
  
"C'mander," she replied confidently. Here was a question she knew.  
  
"That's right… well today I got a promotion," he continued, waiting for the question.  
  
Her brow wrinkled in confusion. "What a pr… promo… that?" she asked finally.  
  
"Promotion," Harm said slowly. "It means that Daddy has a new rank now. I'm a Captain."  
  
The little girl's eyes widened. "Cap'n? You mean like in Peter Pan?"  
  
Harm laughed again, enjoying this moment with his daughter. "Well, not quite honey. Captain Hook was a bad man… Daddy will still be good, but I'll have a different job." Now he was approaching the real subject, and he was nervous.  
  
"New job? What does that mean?"  
  
"It means I'll be doing something different, in a different office—I'll be working someplace new."  
  
"Will we have to live in a different house?" she asked.  
  
Surprised, Harm cast a sidelong glance at his young daughter. She didn't seem upset, just calm. "Yes, we will. Is that ok?" he asked cautiously.  
  
She considered for a moment, and then asked, "Will Mommy's smell come with us?"  
  
Harm's hands clenched on the steering wheel. This was one of the reasons he wanted to move, their entire house was scented lightly with Jess' perfume. "Well, not the way we have it now Bethy, but we can bring some in a bottle if you want," he answered carefully.  
  
"Ok," she said happily, the subject closed for her.  
  
Breathing a sigh of relief, Harm stopped by McDonald's and ordered take out for his daughter, shuddering at the thought of her eating that, but he'd promised hamburgers. When they got home, he made himself a salad and picked up the phone to call a moving company and arranged for them to come pack up his house in two weeks. While he was on the phone, he suddenly realized he had no clue where they would be living. It was time to make a few phone calls.  
  
First on the list was his mom and Frank. "Hey Frank," he said after his stepfather picked up the phone. "Can you and Mom come over for coffee tonight? I have something important to tell you. Yeah, 8 would be fine, see you then. Bye."  
  
When they arrived three hours later, Bethy was already in bed and the coffee was hot. "What did you want to talk about Harm?" Frank asked once they were seated.  
  
"Mom, Frank, you both know how hard it's been for me to live in this house, being reminded of Jess everyday," Harm began.  
  
"Are you moving to a new house?" Trish asked, confused as to why they'd come over here just to hear this.  
  
"Trish, I think Harm has something a little more substantial to tell us," Frank told his wife.  
  
"Thank you Frank… Mom, I was promoted today." He glanced up at her, seeing from the look on her face that she still wasn't grasping the whole situation. "With the new rank comes a new position," he hinted.  
  
A cloud passed over her face and she looked away. "You're transferring," she said flatly.  
  
"Back to headquarters," he confirmed. "They gave me the position of AJAG Civil Law."  
  
A glimmer of a smile crossed her face at that and Frank was effusive. "That's great Harm," he congratulated.   
  
"When are you leaving?" Trish asked quietly.  
  
"I'm supposed to report in Falls Church in three weeks, but I'd like to get out there as soon as possible, so I have time to settle Bethy in before I have to be at work all day."  
  
"Why don't you go first and let us bring her out when you find a place?" she suggested hopefully.  
  
"I can't do that Mom. She still wakes up with nightmares, crying for Jess. Besides, I need my daughter." He knew his mom was disappointed, but he pushed on, explaining his plans. "I'm going to make some calls tomorrow and see if we could stay with Bud and Harriet while we look for an apartment. I've already called a moving company, all they need is the right address," he concluded.  
  
"It sounds like you have it all worked out Harm," Frank commented.  
  
"Yeah I guess so. You understand why I have to do this, don't you Mom?" he asked, suddenly unsure of himself.  
  
She threw him a watery smile and said, "Of course I do Harm. I just know I'll miss you and Bethy is all."  
  
"You'll have to come visit as soon as we get settled in." The three adults talked for a few more hours, and then Frank and Trish went home and Harm went to bed.  
  
Harm spent most of the next day on the phone, working out the logistics of their move. "First call," he mumbled to himself as he dialed the number that would get him Mac's office extension.  
  
"Lt. Col. Mackenzie."  
  
"Hi Mac," he said.  
  
"Hi Harm, how are you?" she asked.  
  
"Getting better… every day presents new challenges. Hey, I've got some news."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"You're talking to the new AJAG Civil Law," he said proudly.  
  
"Harm! You're moving back here… and wait! You got promoted!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Yes and yes. Bethy and I will be there as soon as we can. I was thinking about asking Bud and Harriet if we could stay with them while we look for a place."  
  
"Actually Harm, I think they might have a better idea. Why don't I connect you to him and you can talk with him right now?" she suggested.  
  
"Thanks Mac." He heard a click and then Bud picked up. "Lt. Commander Roberts," he said.  
  
"Hey Bud, it's me."  
  
"Commander Rabb! It's good to hear from you sir!" Bud enthused.  
  
"Actually Bud, it's Captain Rabb now." Harm stopped for a moment to take in Bud's congratulations and then continued. "I'm coming back to headquarters as AJAG Civil Law Bud, and I was wondering if Bethy and I could stay with you and Harriet until we find an apartment."  
  
"Well congratulations again on the new position sir… Gee, this is really great timing! Harriet and I are buying a house, but we haven't found anyone to sublet our apartment yet. Would you be interested in doing that?" Bud asked eagerly.  
  
"That'd be great Bud, when are you moving?"  
  
"This Saturday," he replied. "We could have the apartment ready for you to move in on Monday."  
  
"Thanks so much Bud. Hey, could you transfer me to the Admiral's yeoman?"  
  
"Of course sir. We'll look forward to seeing you on Monday," Bud said and hit a button.  
  
"Admiral Chegwidden's office, Petty Officer Townsend speaking," a young voice replied.  
  
"Petty Officer, this is Captain Harmon Rabb. Is the Admiral available?"  
  
"Yes sir, let me put you through."  
  
"So Captain, you're coming back to us," a familiar voice boomed over the line.  
  
"Yes sir, if you'll have me," Harm replied.  
  
"Hell son, it was my idea! You're perfect for that job, and I knew you'd jump at the chance to move back to DC." He tactfully avoided mentioning Jess, which Harm appreciated.  
  
"Thank you sir, I'm glad to be coming back."  
  
"We'll see you 2 weeks from Monday Harm, now I'm sure you need to get down to the business of moving."  
  
"Yes sir. Good bye sir," Harm said and hung up.  
  
Picking up the phone again, he called a travel agent and booked two seats to Washington on Monday, as well as renting a car. Travel arrangements taken care of, he called the moving company back and arranged for them to pack the house the next day and move everything for them. Then he packed suitcases of clothes and essentials for himself and Bethy and they went over to his mom's for the rest of the week.  
  
  
AN: Ok, I know I skipped a few things here, most notably the funeral… I'm sorry, I just can't get into writing the funeral. I tried, and it was not working. Oh, and the story of the move would be really boring because nothing happened.  
  
Thanks for all the feedback! 


	8. Onwards and Upwards

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will.  
  
Part 16  
Six months later  
Harm's POV  
  
Coming in the front door, I sigh. It's been another long day of work. Days like this I wonder why I ever wanted a command position… But now my little bundle of energy is racing toward me and I feel a smile begin to spread across my face.  
  
"Daddy!" she yells as she hurtles herself into my waiting arms. "Guess what Melanie and I did today!"  
  
"I don't know Bethy, what did you do?"  
  
"Girl stuff!" she announces gleefully. "We played with dollies and stuff like that. It was fun Daddy!"  
  
"I bet it was honey," I say with a smile. Turning to Melanie, I hand her the check for the week. "Thanks Melanie, we'll see you on Monday?" I ask.  
  
"Yep," she replies and hurries out the door. She knows she isn't needed once I get home.  
  
"So what do you want for supper Bethy?" Friday night is her night to pick, with only minimal guidance from me. It's always an interesting meal.  
  
"Macaroni and cheese!" she declares promply.  
  
I breathe an inward sigh of relief as I pull the box out of the cupboard. This is definitely mild compared to what she usually requests—peanut butter and jelly bean sandwiches, to name one off the top of my head.  
  
A few hours later, dinner is done and Bethy is struggling against sleep in my arms as we watch Beauty and the Beast. "I wanna see them kiss," she whispers sleepily as I shift to pick her up and carry her to bed. "I like the kissing part." So we wait five minutes more, and then I tuck my little girl in bed.  
  
This is the part of the evening I used to hate the most—after Bethy's asleep, but before I go to bed. Those first few months I hated to be left alone to my thoughts for any period of time, and anytime I was, I'd bury myself in the paperwork I'd brought home from the office.  
  
But recently, the pain of losing Jess has been fading, and I've been thinking about what she said just before she died. I know she was right, there's always been a part of my heart that I only let Sarah into.  
  
Sarah… where'd that come from? I haven't called her that since the funeral. Maybe it's time. Picking up the phone I make a quick phone call.  
  
"Hello?" a female voice answers.   
  
"Harriet, this is Harm. Could you watch Bethy tomorrow night? I have something I need to do," I ask.  
  
"Sure Harm, what time do you want to bring her by?"  
  
"Could she eat dinner with you? And then I'll pick her up by 21:00," I propose.  
  
"That's sounds good. We'll except to see you around 17:00 then," she says.  
  
"Thanks Harriet, I'll see then."   
  
After hanging up, it hits me… I'm really going to do this. I'm going to give Sarah and I a chance.  
  
Sarah Mackenzie's apartment,  
17:30 Saturday  
Mac's POV  
  
The knock at the door startles me. I've been jumpy ever since Harm called earlier and asked if he could come over tonight to talk. Since he's been back, our friendship has gotten back to where it used to be, and I'm wondering if he's thinking what I'm thinking… that it's time to put the past behind us.  
  
I open the door and there he is. Well duh, who'd you think it would be, the Fuller brush man, I chastise myself. "Hello Harm," I say, surprised at how calm I sound.  
  
"Hello Sarah," he replies. There. He did it again. He called me Sarah on the phone too, that was what's been making me so jumpy. But this time, seeing the look in his eyes as he says it… excitement begins to unfurl in the pit of my stomach. Yes, it's time.  
  
"Have a seat," I tell him once I've found my voice again. That's what it does to me when he calls me Sarah and looks at me like that… it makes me speechless. I certainly hope he doesn't do that all evening, because I've got a few things to say before I let him completely off the hook.  
  
"Thanks," he says and sits down on the couch. I take a seat on the couch as well, but on the other end. I need to be clearheaded if we're about the have the conversation I think we're about to have.  
  
For a few minutes we just look at each other, each trying to guess what's going on in the other's mind. Finally he begins to talk. "Do you know why I wanted to talk to you Sarah?" he asks.  
  
He did it again. Taking a breath, I reply, "I think so Harm, but if you want me to be sure, you need to tell me." There. I let him know I knew but I didn't let him off the hook without saying it. That was my goal.  
  
Oh boy. His eyes have turned that color of blue they get when he's thinking about us, the color that reminds me of the deepest part of the ocean on a clear day… Pay attention Mac! He's starting to talk!  
  
"Sarah… I never forgot you," he says simply. With those words, he does the one thing no other man has ever done to me—he takes my breath away.   
  
I look him in the eye and realize he's waiting for a response, and I know it's my turn.  
  
Part 17  
Same place, immediately after  
Harm's POV  
  
Nervously, I look her in the eye. Well, she doesn't look mad, that's something, I try to reassure myself. Actually, she doesn't really look anything… that could be a bad thing. I open my mouth up to speak, but she holds her hand up. "I want to go first Harm," she says firmly.  
  
Uh oh, that doesn't sound promising. You can take it Harm… she's talking now.  
  
"Harm… I need to know something. What do you think I've been doing these last five, almost six years?"  
  
Huh? This was not a question I expected, and believe me I went over a list so I'd have answers ready. I haven't studied that hard since finals at the Academy. "I… uh… being a Marine?" I stumble for an answer.  
  
She smiles slightly, so at least I know I'm not saying something awful. "Funny Harm… I mean do you think I've been waiting here in this apartment, praying for you to come back to me? Because if you think that I've lain awake at night thinking only of you and that your being here is the only thing I need then you need to turn around and walk out that door."  
  
Suddenly I understand the question, and it's one I know how to answer. "No Mac," I begin, purposely using her nickname so she knows I remember the tough Marine as well as the tenderhearted woman, "I don't think you've been pining over me. I think you're a strong, independent woman who has enjoyed her career and her friends, and who doesn't need a man to complete her. I know you haven't seen anyone seriously, although you've dated, but I never thought it was because you were nursing a broken heart."  
  
I must have said the right thing, because she's smiling at me. I've missed those smiles… they used to light up my life, oh who am I kidding? They still do.  
  
Focus Harm, she's talking again. "Well then Harm, I think I can safely tell you that I never forgot you either." Without realizing it, I reach out for her and pull her into my arms. Just before my lips settle on hers, I whisper, "I love you Sarah." 


	9. "Right... No Theme..."

Disclaimer: The only thing I own is interesting Harm dreams... nothing else.  
  
Part 17  
  
Same place, immediately after  
  
Harm's POV  
  
Nervously, I look her in the eye. Well, she doesn't look mad, that's something, I try to reassure myself. Actually, she doesn't really look anything... that could be a bad thing. I open my mouth up to speak, but she holds her hand up. "I want to go first Harm," she says firmly.  
  
Uh oh, that doesn't sound promising. You can take it Harm... she's talking now.  
  
"Harm... I need to know something. What do you think I've been doing these last five, almost six years?"  
  
Huh? This was not a question I expected, and believe me I went over a list so I'd have answers ready. I haven't studied that hard since finals at the Academy. "I... uh... being a Marine?" I stumble for an answer.  
  
She smiles slightly, so at least I know I'm not saying something awful. "Funny Harm... I mean do you think I've been waiting here in this apartment, praying for you to come back to me? Because if you think that I've lain awake at night thinking only of you and that your being here is the only thing I need then you need to turn around and walk out that door."  
  
Suddenly I understand the question, and it's one I know how to answer. "No Mac," I begin, purposely using her nickname so she knows I remember the tough Marine as well as the tenderhearted woman, "I don't think you've been pining over me. I think you're a strong, independent woman who has enjoyed her career and her friends, and who doesn't need a man to complete her. I know you haven't seen anyone seriously, although you've dated, but I never thought it was because you were nursing a broken heart."  
  
I must have said the right thing, because she's smiling at me. I've missed those smiles... they used to light up my life, oh who am I kidding? They still do.  
  
Focus Harm, she's talking again. "Well then Harm, I think I can safely tell you that I never forgot you either." Without realizing it, I reach out for her and pull her into my arms. Just before my lips settle on hers, I whisper, "I love you Sarah."  
  
Part 18  
  
2 months later  
  
iThe end to another long week,/i Harm though to himself as he walked toward the elevator. The office was silent except for two female voices coming from the opposite direction.  
  
"Yeah, but did you see how quickly she snapped him up?" one asked.  
  
"Well I heard that the Colonel was in love with him before he got married and has just been waiting for him all these years," the other replied as they rounded the corner and came face to face with Harm. Chagrined, the both saluted him as the elevator arrived. He nodded in acknowledgement and they all stepped inside.  
  
The two j.g.'s looked at each other nervously as they rode down to ground level, waiting for Harm to say something. When they got off and he was still silent, they breathed a sigh of relief. Then without turning around to face them, Harm said, "Lieutenants, if you're smart, you'll never let me hear you talking about a senior officer's private life behind her back again, are we clear?"  
  
"Yes sir!" they exclaimed and scurried to their vehicles.  
  
As Harm drove home, their words were still echoing in his mind. iIs that what people are saying about us?/i he wondered. iMaybe it was a little too easy.../i These thoughts were bothering him all evening, even when he and Mac were eating dinner at her place.  
  
Finally Mac had had enough. "Ok Harm, what's wrong?" she asked in frustration after he muttered a one word answer to another of her questions.  
  
"Nothing's wrong Mac," he said with a strained smile.  
  
"I've known you too long to buy that Harm. You've been ignoring me all evening, something's bothering you. Now either spill it, or go home and sort through it."  
  
Harm stood from the table and for a moment, Mac thought he was going to leave, but then he sat down on the couch and looked over at her, an unreadable expression on his face. Looking over at Mac, he said, "Ok, I'll try to talk about it, but it's still pretty jumbled in my mind, so be patient with me." Taking in her nod, he began.  
  
"Today as I was leaving work, I heard a couple junior officers discussing our relationship. I don't know exactly how the conversation started, but the part I overheard was when they said that we'd gotten together pretty quickly after I got here, and that must be because you were waiting for me all these years. Now I know you've said that isn't true, and I believe you," he said, cutting off her objection.  
  
"Then what's the problem?" she asked, confused.  
  
"I'm not sure, that's the part I'm still working through. I guess to begin with it bothers me that people are saying things like that about you because of me. And then I suppose there's the part of me that wonders how I managed to be so lucky that in 5 years, not one of the men you dated realized how wonderful you are."  
  
"Who said they didn't?" Mac replied.  
  
"But then why..."  
  
"Because I wasn't about to settle. I was ready to do that once, but after I learned what it means to love someone I refused to take anything less than the real thing. I never fell in love with any of those men I dated, or I would have married them and we wouldn't be having this conversation right now."  
  
"If I'd had half a brain six years ago, we wouldn't have to be having this conversation," Harm said ruefully.  
  
"Don't Harm," Mac said quietly.  
  
"Don't what? Apologize for being stupid?"  
  
"Don't kick yourself for something you can't change. Besides, I told you then that I forgave you, and I meant it."  
  
"How could you let me off the hook so easily Mac?" he questioned intently.  
  
She looked him in the eye and then looked away as she gathered her thoughts. iNow we're getting to the heart of it, /i she realized as she turned back to him.  
  
"I didn't Harm. It wasn't easy at all. When I read your letter, I was so mad at you I wanted to scream. Here I was, in love with a married man, and I'd just found out he loved me too. Not only that, but he'd suspected that maybe I returned his feelings before he got married and he chose not to say anything. It seemed so unfair of you to wait to say something until there was no way we could do anything about it.  
  
"I was still mad at you when I wrote my reply, but I knew I had to let you know or you would obsess about it, and that would cause problems between you and Jess--that was the last thing I wanted. So I left the note on your desk, and watched for your reaction.  
  
"It wasn't until I saw the look in your eyes after you read it that I forgave you. You were devastated Harm... I realized then that even though I was hurt and mad, and with reason, you were hurting too. I chose to let the consequences of your actions be enough punishment, instead making you suffer under my bitterness and anger. Besides, once you left, the only person my bitterness would hurt would be me."  
  
"I'm sorry, Sarah," he said after she'd been quiet for a moment.  
  
"Harm, it's over. We don't need to talk about it, and you don't need to apologize for it. Besides, you're not the only one who did something stupid to our relationship. Or have you forgotten that I was engaged to another man?"  
  
"But you didn't get married," Harm protested.  
  
"Not through a lack of trying on my part. After that evening on the Admiral's porch, I should have gone inside and told Mic it was over. I knew then that I didn't love him enough to marry him, but I was holding out for a declaration from you."  
  
"I couldn't Mac... I couldn't say anything more than I did, not while you were engaged to another man."  
  
"I know that now, I realized that after your engagement party. And when I read your letter and I wondered why you hadn't said anything then, I was forced to realize that when I was in the same situation, I hadn't. And don't try to tell me it's different Harmon Rabb, because you know it isn't."  
  
"Ok, I promise I won't hate myself for this if you promise to give me a swift kick in the rear if I ever start acting that stupid again," Harm proposed with a smile.  
  
"Oh, I don't plan on waiting until you get that stupid Harm... I'll be kicking you way before then!" she teased.  
  
AN: Thank you once again to all my feedback giving minions... Mae, from one minion to another I just have to say no, you can't give short feedback. But that's the way we like it! And when are you planning to write another part of yours? Hm? 


	10. At last!

Disclaimer: If I owned them, do you think I'd be writing fic? I don't think so!  
  
Part 19  
  
August, 2009  
  
Harm's POV  
  
My palms are sweating. I don't think I've ever been this nervous. I pull the ring out of my pocket and kneel in front of her. She's looking down at me with wide eyes... does she know what I'm planning to do?  
  
"Hi Daddy!" she says brightly.  
  
"Hey Bethy," I reply. "Do you know what this is?" I ask her, opening the box and showing her the ring.  
  
"Oh!! That's pretty Daddy, is it for me?"  
  
I have to laugh at that, although the part of me that wants my little girl to stay mine forever winces at the knowledge that someday, it will be for her. "No sweetheart, this is for Sarah," I tell her.  
  
"Why are you giving Sarah a present?"  
  
I can hear the confusion in her voice, and I take a deep breath as I begin the most important closing argument I've ever given. "Because I like her. You like her too, right?"  
  
"Uh huh... she's a nice lady."  
  
Good. That makes this a little easier... not that I was really worried, Sarah is great with kids and Bethy really seems taken with her. But sometimes you never know. Now for the hard part.  
  
"That's right, she is a nice lady. Bethy, what would you think if I asked her to come live with us?"  
  
Her brow wrinkles as she considers this. "Why?" she asks finally.  
  
Oh brother... how do you explain love and marriage to a five year old? Especially one whose mother has been dead long enough that the memories of our relationship are fading in her mind? All I can do is try...  
  
"Well, I love her," I begin and then she cuts in.  
  
"You mean like Ariel loved Eric in The Little Mermaid?" she asks.  
  
God bless Walt Disney! Grabbing onto the lifeline my daughter has just thrown me, I continue on. "That's right honey. Do you remember what happened at the end of the movie?"  
  
"Her daddy gave Ariel legs so she could live with Eric," she answers promptly. Then looking at me curiously, she asks, "Doesn't Sarah already have legs?"  
  
Laughing again, I hug her and finish my explanation. "Yes she does have legs. But when she went to live with Eric, they got married. That's what two grown-ups do when they love each other and want to live together."  
  
"Oh... so you're going to give Sarah the pretty gift so she'll marry you? Won't she marry you without the gift?"  
  
Smiling, I say, "Well of course she would Bethy, but the ring let's everyone else know that we love Sarah and want her to come live with us. Is that ok with you?"  
  
"Sure Daddy. Can I go play now?" she asks impatiently.  
  
"Go ahead honey. Melanie will be here in a few minutes, and then Sarah and I are going out ok? I'll come in to say good night when I get home," I promise as she races off.  
  
As I walk into Mac's building, I shake my head in disbelief. I thought I was nervous before, but that was nothing compared to how I feel now! I'm pretty sure she'll say yes, but you never know! We have talked about "the future" as we put it though, and even though we never used the word marriage, I'm pretty sure she knows that's what I have in mind.  
  
Ok. I've made it to her door, now I just need to knock. Anyway, she's expecting me so it's not like the curiosity is going to start from the beginning!  
  
"Hello Harm, you're on time for a change," she teases as she opens the door. Of course I am, even I know better than to be late on a day like today. Of course she doesn't know what tonight is... I'm doing it again, letting my mind run away with me.  
  
"Yeah, it happens sometimes," I manage to say in response. "You look beautiful, Sarah." And she does. She's wearing a casual dress, sleeveless in deference to the weather we've been having.  
  
I've been debating for the last month over how to do this. My first thought was to take her up in "Sarah" and have a picnic, but then I thought that might be a reminder of how flying once came between us, although I don't think she's ever had a problem with "Sarah." And then there's our first disastrous trip up... no, "Sarah" is out.  
  
Then I thought we could go out for a nice dinner, etc... but I really didn't want to do something so tried and true. Plus, I want this to be different from Jess.  
  
I have to admit skywriting crossed my mind, but I know she'd kill me if I did that.  
  
And so I settled for simple... and surprising, I hope. (Actually I have to admit my biggest goal was to not be waiting all evening.) Following her into her apartment, I notice that she has dinner on the table. That's my cue. Just as she turns to tell me to take a seat, I pull the box out of my pocket and get down on one knee. From the look on her face, I think I succeeded in at least surprising her.  
  
"Sarah, I've been in love with you for almost 10 years now. I'd tell you exactly how long, but I'm sure you'd correct me on the hours and minutes." I pause for a moment to grin at her... good, she's smiling back.  
  
"Over those years, there have been a lot of things that have kept us apart, but the love we have always brought us back together. Now it's time to let that same love keep us together. Sarah Mackenzie, will you marry me?"  
  
Nervously I look up at her... she's crying. That should make me more nervous, but I know Mac, and those are not sad tears. After a few minutes, she decides to put me out of my misery. "Yes Harm, I'll marry you," she says and slides the ring onto her finger. And then somehow she's pulling me upright and we're kissing, and all I can think is that I finally got it right. 


	11. Just for fun

Part 20  
  
October, 2009  
  
Mac's POV  
  
I'm ready to elope. All this wedding planning stuff is just getting to be a bit much. I know that it was my idea to have a formal wedding, but I just didn't remember how much went into it.  
  
Harm was a bit surprised when I told him I wanted the classic church wedding. "I thought you wanted to get married on a hillside with no witnesses but God and the butterflies," he asked, confused. I was touched that he remembered that after all this time—after all, that was something I said, or rather Mic said, when we were engaged eight years ago.  
  
I don't really know why I feel differently this time; maybe it's because I love Harm in a way I didn't Mic, or maybe I want our wedding to be something Bethy can be involved in. She was so excited when I asked her if she wanted to be the flower girl. However on days like this, when I've called three florists and two invitation companies, I get really tempted to book us two tickets on the next flight to Vegas.  
  
"Snap out of it Sarah," I mumble to myself after I finalize the floral arrangements. It's just two more months until you'll be Mrs. Harmon Rabb, Jr. and then it will all be worth it." Hm. I've almost convinced myself… Too bad I don't have United on speed dial. 


	12. And they all lived happily ever after

Part 21  
  
December 19, 2009  
  
Harm's POV  
  
I wish I knew how long I've been standing up here. The last time I did this, Mac was here to ask, but I definitely like it better this way.  
  
I can't believe this is finally happening. Sarah and I are getting married in approximately three minutes. Life doesn't get any better than this. With a slight smile, I remember all the responses we got when we announced our engagement. Everyone was ecstatic—I thought poor Harriet was going to hyperventilate she was so happy. And of course, they all felt it was their duty to point out that it was about time.  
  
The music's beginning. Standing a little taller, I wait for my first sight of her. She'll be walking alone today. I remember what she said about that. "Harm, I'm over 40 and I've been through 1.5 weddings. I don't need someone to give me away, and I'd feel pretty silly about it." Then I see her, and I remember nothing.  
  
She's a vision. Her simple white gown fits her like a glove, the satin glistening in the candlelight. It's her eyes that hold my attention though. Her eyes have always held the key to her heart, and today they mirror the love and excitement I feel as she approaches me. Placing her hand in mine, we turn to face the minister.  
  
I have to admit I'm really not paying attention to a word he's saying. I'm focused solely on this woman by my side and all she means to me. However, when she pokes me in the side, I realize it's my turn to talk. "I do," I reply to the laughter of our friends. And then she echoes my words, a hint of laughter in her voice as well. That's fine, I don't care if the whole world laughs at me today.  
  
"Harmon and Sarah have chosen to write their own vows," the minister announces and all attention is again focused on me. This time I know what I'm supposed to say though.  
  
"Sarah, I can never tell you how much I love you, there simply aren't enough words. However, I can promise to show you each and every day for the rest of our lives. I will show you in simple actions, like doing the dishes and picking up milk on the way home from work. I will also show you in larger actions, such as taking you out on special days and being there when you need me. I promise that for the rest of my life, I will not let a single day go by without letting you know how much I love you, respect you, and adore you. You are my life."  
  
I can see the tears shimmering in her eyes, and before I can stop myself, my fingertips are brushing them away. She leans slightly into my gentle caress and then begins to speak.  
  
"Harm, I love you, but I can promise you that we will fight. Always before I have run from personal conflict in my life—if not physically, then I withdrew emotionally. In marrying you, I am promising that I will not do that. You are my rock, the one that I can count on when things get rough, and I promise to trust you, love you, and cherish you and only you for the rest of our lives."  
  
Now I'm the one with tears in my eyes, but the minister is saying it's time for the rings. Placing the ring on her finger, I slide it up to join the engagement ring and say, "With this ring, I thee wed, with this body, I thee worship, and all my worldly goods I thee endow." Then she takes my hand in hers and I feel the coolness of my wedding band slide onto my finger and there's a sudden roaring in my ears.. I look into her eyes and I see her lips move, but I can't hear the words.  
  
Then the moment is over and I hear the minister say, "I now pronounce you husband and wife… you may kiss the bride." I'm glad I didn't miss that, or my friends really would have laughed, I think to myself as I place my lips on hers. Then all thought ceases and everyone disappears, and it's just her and I. Finally I register Bud's embarrassed muttering behind me, and I cut the kiss short. Taking her by the arm, I face the crowd and the minister says, "It is my pleasure to present to you for the very first time, Captain and Mrs. Harmon Rabb, Jr."  
  
  
  
Epilogue  
  
The reception went by in a blur. Just before they left, Grandma Sarah took Sarah aside and pressed something into her hand. Looking down, Mac smiled slightly. It was the letter. "So you remember the story of how your love began," Gram said and gave her a hug.  
  
Harm and Mac both kept their vows to each other. He went out of his way each day to show her his love, and on days when life got in the way, she didn't withdraw. They had two more children, plus Bethy of course, and died within days of each other after 55 years of marriage. Their friends and family saw to it that they were buried under a joint tombstone which simply stated, "They never forgot." 


	13. Author's Note

This is just a short update for those who haven't read this story yet and are really confused by my "Never Forget Revisited" pieces. I wrote Never Forget last spring, and while I'm very happy with the story, the instant gratification part of me says there were earlier moments that they could have gotten together. After thinking about it I decided to write it out. I suppose you could read those stories without reading this one, but it would make more sense after reading the original. 


End file.
